


Lost and Found

by goldandsteel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Adaptation, Angst, But neither is Steve!, F/M, Friendship, Happens pre-Thor 2, Human Loki, If you want just the smut go straight to the last chapter!, Loki is not an angel here, M/M, Punishment, Slash, Soon Comes The Sex, modern world is a confusing place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:53:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldandsteel/pseuds/goldandsteel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is a little lost in the modern world and having the God of Mischief stripped off his powers bothering him all the time... Perhaps could actually result in a good thing.</p><p>Now revised!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything New

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first Avengers fanfic. I tried my best, but english is not my mother language, so please forgive any mistake. I tried really hard to write something good here and I hope you like it. :) Steve/Loki, future slash, some comedy, angst and romance. Also posted in my FF.Net account, posting here now I have an account!
> 
> This was beta'd by the lovely EsmeAmelia and revised in June 2015.

It was strange, this new world... Almost evil. Not that the other was completely good, for he learned that evilness lived inside of people, not outside. But still, it was a new, strange and cold world.

Even the words he spoke sounded somehow wrong and misplaced. _In fact_ , he thought as he smiled to himself, _that's exactly the perfect word. I'm misplaced_. Holding the hot cup of coffee with both hands, he looked at himself in the drink's trembling surface.

Steve wasn't having very much work lately. Next to none, actually, since the Avengers were temporarily dismissed and sent to go live their lives until next necessity. But he had no life, no love, no friends and no other job and that left him very upset and uncomfortable around himself. What good was a soldier for with no battle to fight? Hell, what good was a super soldier then?

"Thinking about the meaning of life and this stupid little world of yours?" He heard the sound across the kitchen and sighed, feeling mentally exhausted. For a moment Steve forgot that he was, yes, having a battle to fight - but within his walls with a now powerless but very much talking enemy.

"Why don't you try to guess, Loki?" he replied. May God forgive him, but he deeply regretted the moment he offered himself to care, teach and perhaps tame the now deprived of power and imortality Loki. Three days after he welcomed the now human, Steve was already craving for a chance of sending him back to Asgard or wherever he belonged with a boot well-placed in his ass.

Odin presumed it to be a cruel punishment and at the same time a valuable lesson to Loki to strip him of his powers and throw him at Earth. "You shall learn what is pain, you shall learn what is fear, and I hope from the core of my heart this will teach you to respect the other worlds and to show propper gratitude to your family," Loki had cited upon his arrival, faking a thunder voice and then rolling his eyes.

Thor brought him, expecting that he would be loki's guardian, but the former God of Mischief was quick to assure that he would manage to kill anyone in sight and even himself if he had to stay beside his "phony brother" and "useless godling," amongst other nasty titles.

"I despise you." he said, spitting from his new human lips just a few inches away from Thor's face. "You are everything I most despise from the family who raised me. You are strong of body, weak of heart and deprived of wits! You are no better than this mediocre and small people, mayhaps worse. I hate you and I rather die the eternal death than live by your side, Thor."

Steve wasn't there but he could imagine how hurt the older god must have felt. A rejection not only from a friend, but from a brother... A blow from the one he helped raise and grew up with. Loki spent a whole week in a cell complaining about everything possible until Cap offered himself and his brand-new-given-by-the-S.H.I.E.L.D. apartment to accommodate and try to show to the Lord of Lies how it was being a human.

Apparently, Loki wasn't enjoying himself very much.

"How can you all be so joyful if you go to sleep sore and waste a whole Midgardian night sleeping, only to wake up even more tired and ailing?" The slim man streched himself, eyes closed, and moaned a moan that could be either of satisfaction or soreness. Something clenched in Steve's belly with that sound.

"It's the only way we know, Loki. No one ever gets to experience the self-sufficiency of a god." He blew his coffee a few seconds before sipping it and, noticing it was still too hot, giving a sided-look to Loki. He was still not used with the sensations of his frail human body and his state of dress oscilated between Canada winter and California summer. Canada winter was there at that moment, in the form of a sweat pants too big for his thin frame and three different sweaters covering his torso.

"I hate every single part of every single thing of all of this," the deprived god muttered, walking until he sat beside Steve. "The undermost feeling or sound, smell or object." The blond man seized Loki's arm so abruptely he spilled his own coffee down.

"I know it. Every _single_ ear in two damned miles know it by now, Loki, there's no need to repeat this endlessly. But that's all you have and will have until your father changes his mind, so you better get used to it and stop crying like a little baby over everything," Steve vented, staring seriously into those dark green eyes. He would not suffer that much longer; even if he was willing, his mind would not cope with that all day long every day. The two days of infinite complaints proved it.

Loki seemed for the very first time frightened; for a glimpse of a second, a blink of an eye, until he recompose himself. Steve returned to his mind completely and let the other man's arm go, looking down and realized the mess he had made. The dark liquid was spilled all over Loki's thighs and in the couch's space between them.

"I'm sorry, go change your pants while I clean it..." he mumbled, putting his cup on the small table in front of him and standing. Loki didn't move, staring his lap idly. "What's wrong?"

"This black water, coffee, you say... It hurts. It hurts differently now from the beginning but it still hurts. It is a quite unpleasant feeling." Something inside Steve's chest sank.

"Oh God, it burned you, Loki... The coffee burned your legs, I'm sorry. Get up and come to the shower." Before Loki stood up, Steve was already dragging him into the bathroom feeling like the worst person in the whole city. State, perhaps.

He grew so impatient that he accidentally hurt the one he should help and protect. _What an idiot, idiot_ , he thought, _you scared him and burned him all at the same time. You can hurt him much more than he can hurt you now, you idiot._

"Are you ok?" Steve asked, placing an apathethic Loki near the showerm who only shrugged.

"Yes, I suppose, it is bearable." But as he looked up to answer he allowed the soldier to see his eyes full of tears. Steve pulled his pants down at once, making him flinch, opened the shower until the water ran cold, and held tightly to Loki's arm.

"Put your thigh under the water, first the most burned." Loki obeyed, thinking that it was all too strange for his liking.

"I believe it is not so-ARGH!" His hands clenched Steve's arm. "Damned hells, it hurts more! It's worse, stop it!"

"Keep it there! Or it will hurt more later!" The blond man had to struggle to keep Loki in his place for a few moments, dominating the weaker man soon. His own legs and feet were being soaked in the process. "Now the other leg, Loki."

"I HATE YOU!" Loki screamed like a little child, twitching insanely. "You hurt me, you demented . . . You shall pay for this!"

"I'm sorry!" Steve replied full of remorse. "I never meant it, Loki, it was an accident! Now I'm trying to keep it from getting worse, that's all..."

"I'll crush you like a little bug when I recover my powers, you stupid useless human." They were breathing heavily and Steve chose to not answer anymore. It wouldn't take them anywhere, he would not be able to change the accident and Loki would not forgive him so soon.

"At the moment you are just as human as me," he finally said, several minutes later, closing the stream of water and taking his own soaked pants off. Loki stared him red-faced, disheveled and breathless. "Sit." Steve asked, pointing to the toilet. Loki obeyed angrily, starting to shake. It was a hideous feeling, being human.

Running to his bedroom, Steve fetched two towels and two new sweaters to replace the wet ones on Loki's body. Back in the bathroom, the destitute god stripped quickly and put on the dry clothing, shaking. Steve squatted down and proceed to dry Loki's feet and lower legs silently.

"Now you bow to me?" Loki spoke looking at the blond with a little twisted smile in his lips. Steve didn't know if that was supposed to be a nice one but it surely didn't look like it.

"I'm trying to..." he finished and stood up again, throwing the towel away. "...well, amend what I did."

The little smile disappeared and only Loki's dark eyes staring at Steve stood on its place. Cold and confused, they seemed, even lost. The eyes of someone who doesn't know where he belongs, whom he's to love, what he's to do next, where's his real place. Eyes of someone lost in the wilderness of all the dimensions, times and worlds.

The sad eyes of a misplaced man.

Next thing Steve knew Loki's fist knocked his mouth.

* * *

 

"Yeah, that was a wonderful idea. Now instead of burned legs, you have burned legs and a hurt hand."

"It was certainly worth it," Loki replied casually, almost smiling. He made a ridiculous picture sitting in the clean space of the couch with his legs bared, his chest all clothed and a hand under a bag of frozen peas, but the other man couldn't laugh at it. 

"I said I'm sorry and I am, honestly. I would never hurt you for fun or something like that." Steve took a deep breath before placing the bag of frozen french fries over his lips again. Loki raised a single eyebrow, never breaking eye contact.

"Which means if you needed to, you would?"

"Of course, if you were to become a threat." Steve took the bag away to answer. "But do not even think of provoking me to cause a fight because it won't happen."

"I barely tried and already took you off your balance, annoying you with silly words. Handsome but weak human..."

Steve blushed. At the same second he hated himself for doing so and Loki laughed out loud.

"Oh, have we a blushing maiden here?" the pale man joked, eyes gleaming mean. "I heard tales of your honor and honesty, but I thought that intercourse after formal wed was an obsolete tradition amongst humans."

_Shut up, just shut up,_ Steve asked mentally, feeling his face and neck burn. _Shut up, nosey!_

"Beg your pardon, how insensitive I was. I forgot you are an obsolete man, Captain. Which leads me to another enormous doubt: if you do not amuse yourself with one of the few things truly amusing for animals, how you stand this boring and unbearable Earthling life?"

"There's a lot of nice things to do," the other replied, trying to look calm and secure. In fact, he didn't do anything amusing ever, and that was indeed awkward. "There's television, movies, music, some people enjoy different foods. There's games and internet as well but I'm not very familiar with it." Steve was lying, pure and straight, since he didn't go to see movies, disliked television, didn't understand modern music - the only true part was the food one. That he really enjoyed.

"Hm, not much interesting next to the powers of magic and war... But I was right, then. No intercourse, Captain?" Loki asked again smiling wickedly. Steve gulped, feeling the rubor return, and stood silent. He knew the other man was just trying to tease him; he was widely known for his pleasure of making quarrels, after all. _But I will not fall for it._

"This is not of your concern."

Silence, finally and blessedly. The damned smile was still in Loki's face and eyes, though.

"What do you think of going out and trying different types of food?" Steve asked willing to change the subject. It would be good to actually do something fun and get out of that apartment, even if Loki was going to be his companion. And he would see different people and experience different things instead of staying on the couch all day and whining about his new life, as of lately.

"As long as none of them burn me, I agree. Eating was seldom my favorite activity, as it was not often necessary, but this human entrails needs constant feeding. Too constantly for my liking, in fact."

"Everything now on will not be of your liking and you will have to accept it. I know it may be hard, but it's not a choice," Steve replied sadly, staring at Loki's tights. Pale and somewhat muscular, but thin as every other part of his body, with two big red stains. The Loki in his memory, fast, lean and strong, was an unfair comparison with the one in his living room. He felt like the Hulk compared to the other man.

"I will not remain in this situation for long. And you must-"

"For how much time will you remain human, Loki?" The blond interruped him. Loki seemed deeply ofended.

"How dare you... I-I know not-"

"Then you can't say it will be a few weeks. It may be months. Well, it may be years." Loki frowned and crossed his arms, forgetting the little bag of frozen peas. Steve couldn't help but smirk.

"It shan't be years. It shan't take too long."

"Won't it take at least enough time for you to learn to respect humans and other species and value your family?" The black haired men gulped in silence, staring at him with hatred. Steve finally smiled, almost laughing. "It may take a _whole_ century, from my point of view."

Loki stood up and walked away into the bedroom. "Can we simply go to the place where the food will be served?" he asked, his voice fading with the distance. Steve waited for him to put on some proper clothes and Loki reappeared dressed all in black. The few clothes the S.H.I.E.L.D. had provided for him were all ill fitting, too large or to small for his thin and tall body. Still, the black clothing suited him. Then it was Steve's time to go change himself.

Loki sat on the chair that Steve previously occupied, putting his hands on the armrest. It was amusing, that Man Out of Time, and would be even more if he never learned how to ignore his teasings. Loki was indeed worried with the amount of time that might take him to fool the lackwit Odin and regain his power, but he would never admit it loudly. 

Steve reminded him of Thor and that was intensely irritating, though he lacked the arrogance at least. It shouldn't take long until Loki gained the ability to manipulate the super soldier into thinking he had reset his beliefs, but the dark haired man knew any abrupt change would be faced with suspicion so patience was needed. _Anyhow,_ he thought, _this human will trust my change when the time is right, and Thor and Odin must follow then_. He would not suffer being a mere human for long.

Steve didn't take long to show up at the small living room, wearing what seemed to be his unique outfit: white plain shirt and blue jeans. Even the human dressing ways were boring to the eyes of the ex-god.

"Do you have a preference regarding food?" the blond man asked getting his wallet and keys and Loki stood up supressing a grimace. The fabric of the pants felt awfully rough against his burnt skin.

"I am yet learning how to cope with this new organism and in the cell where I was locked they fed me scraps. I would like a food that is not likely to harm or unbalance me in any way but feels somewhat good."

"Taste," Steve told him nicely. "The food tastes good, not feels. At least nowadays." Loki shrugged again. "The English spoken in here is different and it's different even from what was spoken in my time."

"I believe I have not a fully appropriated instructor then," Loki smiled mean again. "How can I learn the tricks of your world if you do not understand them yourself?"

Even keeping his face neutral, Steve knew that caught him right in his open wound. Strike one for the God of Mischief. Nevertheless, he would not give Loki the pleasure of knowing this, and focused instead in the fact he was supposed to help and soften the troublemaker.

"Most of the people who fully understand are impatient and arrogant, two things I dislike. I'm sure it will be better if we learn the details about this new generation together." His face was calm but his clear eyes were almost kind, even hopeful. "And I'm completely sure that it will work out better if we try to do that peacefully."

_Dear lord,_ Loki thought, _he truly believes this nonsense._ The fact left him without any good answer, gentle or sordid, to give. As Steve opened the door Loki simply followed him and waited.

"This is the first time you are going to the street after your... Change, isn't it?" he asked, walking into the corridor.

"I still remember what a city street looks like, Captain," Loki replied bored. He was not a baby, he would not accept to be treated like one and that imbecile would have to understand it.

* * *

 

"God, look at what you are doing..." Steve said laughing honestly, a somewhat rare scene lately.

"It does not matter, this is magnificent." Loki replied with his mouth full of lasagna. Yes, it was indeed delicious, but still Steve was eating the same dish and he han't stained all of his chin and shirt with tomato sauce. He though Loki would be classier than that but he was funnier that way. The thin man even tried to keep himself superior at the beginning of the lunch but apparently, gave up to hunger at some point.

"I know, right? Italian food is simply great. Just wait til the waitress arrive with the cannelloni." Steve felt grateful that Loki was wearing black, at least the tomato sauce wouldn't make stains. His own shirt would be a bit messed if he hadn't stucked his napkin into his collar. Italian food was not completely strange to him in the past but it soon became one of his favorite things in the modern world. Food, and how easy and cheap it was to get, felt like a blessing.

"This is beyond great, Captain... It provides me such a sense of contentment and fullness. I was not even aware I needed this food so much." Loki moaned low when he was chewing and that sound made Steve slightly unconfortable, even though no one else in the restaurant could hear it.

Loki was himself surprised. Asgardian food was good in its own way but he had never felt that taste and that overwhelming need of eating. The pleasure from doing so was actually surprising and he believed as a plus, expressing it would made him look more comfortable with the notion of being human in Rogers' eyes. 

"That 'need of fullness' is normal on people. I don't have it constantly but I still have to eat good amounts and I enjoy doing so. And please, stop calling me Captain all the time." Steve asked, finishing his own lasagna.

"By what should I call you? Captain is your title." It was hard to understand precisely with the food moving in Loki's mouth but the other man managed it.

"My name. Steve. It can't be that hard." Loki chewed and moaned shortly again, swallowed with his eyes closed and stood like that a few moments, considering. His cheeks where starting to get pink.

"Steve, then. Is this place warmer?" He opened his eyes and stared the blond men. "For I am feeling quite hot."

If that was supposed to be a joke or not, Steve was definitely not sure. But the pink in Loki's face were starting to match the little drops of sweat in his pale forehead. The waitress appeared suddenly with the second order.

"Here is your cannelloni, sir." She placed a big platter and put over the table a rectangular bowl with the little rolls of pasta, cheese, meat and tomato sauce all over it.

"Can you please bring some cold water?" Steve asked worried. Loki was clinging to his own collar and trying to push it away from his neck unconfortably. The waitress nodded and turned her back.

"It may be the food. It may be just you," he said to Loki, trying to transmit security. The other man nodded too and dried his forehead with the sleeve of his blouse.

"I would feel much better with no clothing on," Loki said honestly. He was not used to the changes of temperature of this awkward and weak body.

"You can't do it here, not inside, and it's not polite to take off your shirt in public." The waitress was soon back and the ex-god drank the water as if it was the first glass of his life. Steve asked her to pack the untouched dish and to bring the bill. "We are going home. The burns may also have affected your body temperature."

"Wonderful." Loki almost smashed the glass on the table, attracting some attention. He forgot for a minute about his burns and his housemate's stupidity. The food was so pleasant he nearly forgot everything else and now it had returned to him as a dark rainy cloud over his head.

They were soon back to the apartment and Steve told him to take another shower, a cold one, preferably. As Loki went into the bathroom he took off his own shirt and stared at the noisy street through the window. At the sidewalk he saw two young women holding hands in front of a store showcase; one of them pointed at something and giggled, and the other held her face kindly and kissed her on the lips.

It was strange, this new world. But it seemed like it could be a little better with a companion.


	2. Loki's Entrails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thank you a lot for the support, comments and kudos! There's one more, also betaed by EsmeAmelia and revised later. Hope you like it. <3

He had been there for fourteen days, two full Midgardian weeks. Unfortunately now, time mattered to him, locked in that ignorant world. Loki was starting to face the fact he might be in human form for an indetermined amount of time and might have no power whatsoever to change it, although the notion deeply bothered him.

In the meantime he would keep his original plan to simulate a true change. He could be patient; he could wait. Whilst, he had decided to understand some things of humankind to walk through this dark phase of his life with less suffering. Maybe he could even find something amusing or distracting, as the food was.

At the moment Loki was pressing buttons on a remote control, according to Steve, pointing to the television. There were a few different options to watch, called channels, and the images upon it were named shows. Most of them were terribly mindless, simple or remarkably pathetic, so most of the time Loki left it turned on a channel that played songs.

Some songs were much, much more terrible than he could imagine. But some of them were bearable and even pleasant and Loki soon realised he could learn several things by paying attention to the words of the songs – even the new words and the modern way of communication itself.

Some songs talked about living in poverty, about the human forms of government, their religions and habits... But most of them talked about sentiments - the thing that weakened humans the most, apparently. Most sentimental songs were utterly stupid, truth be told, but even the stupid ones had the utility of teaching Loki more about the strange and mindless way of living on Earth.

The television was showing images that seemed very antique and out of time, with a long haired woman singing a song of celebration. He wondered if that was a truly old recording or a modern imitation.

The celebrating song ended at the same moment Steve emerged from the bedroom rubbing his eyes, messed fair hair and his white undershirt crooked. Loki couldn't help but notice every part of his housemate and smirk; it was a nice and interesting vision. An improved human being, stronger, smarter, handsomest than most and yet so emotionally frail.

"Is it an authentic show, from your time or close to it?" Loki asked, pointing to the television while Steve yawned.

"Morning, you too." The man stared at the video carefully. Now another song started and the same woman, now with a different bouffant hair, was singing at the same time images flashed randomly. "I don't know. It seems vintage but I don't think it is original."

He was staring the screen while the ex-god was still staring at him and listening to the music. _Money is the anthem of sucess_ , it said. _God, you're so handsome,_ something unintelligible, words he didn't even know. Then, a part that seemed very sexual followed by _summer is in the air and baby, heaven is in your eyes._

Steve was still paying attention to the television, intrigued perhaps in discovering whether the videoclip was old or new. The phrase _money is the reason we exist, everybody knows it, it's a fact, kiss kiss_ made Loki smile. Hardly a song with such content would succeed in the old times; this honesty was clearly modern.

"It can't be a original old video. A white woman with a black man would cause a giant scandal and controversy." Steve finally stated, looking at the dark haired man. Only then he noticed Loki's eyes were all the time upon his body and he had a somewhat wicked look in his face.

The blond turned his back immediately to prevent Loki from seeing the flush in his cheeks. Almost everything about the mischievious man looked devilish and Steve couldn't even know if that was his intention or not. Maybe he was truly evil to the core. Maybe he was all malice.

"I see... Interesting. Such an arcaic way of thinking." Loki stared at the television again. "You are all humans, equally insignificant in a vast universe of much more powerful gods and species, and still you turn one against each other."

"Not everyone thinks like that, it was just... The social convention. But even back then a lot of good people fought for equal rights for everybody." Steve replied starting to make his coffee. He liked the fact that at least the coffeemaker was simple, without fifty buttons, functions and blinking lights.

"Good people, oh, the famous good people." Steve's discomfort regarding some things Loki was obviously clear and the former god loved that so much. The shyness of the blond man simply delighted him. He felt like a wise and experienced men seducing and teasing a virgin. Loki stood up silently and walked closer to Steve, talking next to his ear. "Are you a good man, Steve?"

The soldier froze for a moment. Loki wasn't even touching him anywere, just speaking near to him, but that alone made him feel cornered and anxious. In fact, he feared Loki; powerless and human, mortal and weaker, he feared him. And he feared the fact that he didn't even knew why.

"I like to think so," he answered in a grunt. Loki was having the time of his life, as a song said the other day, holding his laugh. He could use that type of amusement too.

"Have you done bad things in your life?" The man asked again and Steve took a step away to the side, being promptly followed.

"I did bad things for a good reason, if I can put it this way. I killed people with worst intentions, I hurt people with evil plans. It was my duty, as a soldier. I don't think it made me a bad person." He replied a little more calm, raising his eyes to the window above the sink.

"Do you have... Bad thoughts, mayhaps?" Loki insisted, lowering his voice. Steve ground his teeth, getting upset with that stupid mindgame. He might fear the other man, but he would teach him a few things about fear too.

"Yes. I have bad thoughts, specially regarding you," he answered, turning his face to Loki and locking him against the sink with his arms. Loki smiled idly. "I think about smashing your face some nights. I think about all the people you murdered for nothing, about the destruction and the panic you caused with your invasion... I think about the look of terror in people's face. And I think maybe, just maybe, I should put you through the same."

Loki's smile was soon gone. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest painfully and his teeth were gritted involuntarily, mostly not in fear, but in indignation. Meanwhile Steve didn't actually think any of that, but managed to said it as if he meant every single word, and it affected the ex-god just as he wanted.

"You would not dare," Loki spoke angrily but his trembling voice betrayed him. "You, you..."

"Sometimes I remember I could crack your skull open with one hand." Steve wasn't really enjoying the panic emerging from Loki's eyes but he had a point to make so he kept his speech. "But then I remember I wanted to ask you a question before doing so..."

"Ask, then, and you shall have your answer," the other man replied boldly, lips trembling and eyes somewhat shinier than usual. Steve's question wasn't louder than a whisper.

"Why did you do that? Why hurt and kill so many innocent people? People who had never concerned you before. People you didn't even care about. Why?"

Loki's lips opened and moved, but no sound came out. The clear blue eyes of the other man were piercing him in a terrible and choking way. He was choking, fighting for words, fighting for air, fighting for a way to channel everything he felt. His eyes started to burn from unwanted tears for which Loki had no explanation.

 _For a throne_ , he thought. _For power. For pride. For the chance to prove I am able, apt, worthy, deserver! To wipe the shame from Odin's eyes and the arrogance from Thor's face. To show Frigga I never needed her reticent embraces or her wavering kisses. For a chance to stand upon all of them, whom I have loved so deeply, who made me face betrayal. For hatred and for shame._

Steve observed serious a tear roll down Loki's pale face. Loki breathed deeply as if he had forgot how to do it and started panting, his chest going up and down forcefully. He was going to cry and he didn't realized it, the soldier noticed, feeling sadder each minute. Maybe he was just lost. Maybe he wasn't truly evil.

He then stepped back and away from Loki, staring him one last time before he went to get his keys and leave the other man alone in the apartment. It would do him good to spent some time alone to weep out his pains or feed his anger about his housemate... And based on the look the dark haired man was giving him when he left, he was the last person Loki wanted to be with.

* * *

He didn't even understand how he got there, but when Loki returned to his mind he was sitting on the kitchen floor, elbows upon knees, weeping harder than he could remember ever having done before. His hands were fists around his raven hair, pulling it with anger in an attempt to something he didn1t even know what was.

It felt as if he was there for an eternity. Oddly his mind was dull and blank and he was in a rare moment of not thinking or planning anything - there was simply nothing in his mind, absolutely, and Loki couldn't understand why. He just wept and wept until his eyes swelled up and his head ached awfully.

He spent countless minutes staring at the floor tiles, blinking and sniffing. His head _ached_. Just when his thighs were better... Suddenly his stomach moved and released a strange sound. Loki certainly, positively, absolutely hated being human.

Slowly he stood up only to notice he was dizzy and nauseous. He walked with difficulty into the bathroom, washed his face and stared himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and circled by purple, his nose somewhat swollen and red too, his hair messed and dirty. _How can a god endure such a terrible face?_ he thought, washing his face again in the hope that the cold water would magically fix it.

Naturally nothing magical happened and Loki laughed bitterly returning to the kitchen to give some water to his poor dry throat. "I am the God of Lies no longer, yet I remain fooling myself..." he spoke to himself, sighing.

The noise at the door warned him about Steve's return and a bitter taste came up in his mouth. _Crack my skull open with one hand, what a audacity,_ he thought. The notion that all of that was actually constructed to take him off his balance and evoke a human emotion only angered the ex-god more. To get him a little more upset and confused, he felt somewhat grateful for Steve's boldness to shake him and make him not only face what he did, but to face the true motives of his acts.

"Hi," Steve said cautiously after locking the door. _Hi,_ Loki thought sarcastically, _I threatned your life and churned your entrails, however I'm such a imbecile that the greatest thing I may say is 'hi'._

"I would appreciate it immensely if you do not talk to me," was his answer. Steve sighed and sat in the couch softly. He spent almost two hours in the street hungry and underdressed hoping that Loki would be better when he returned, or even that he would have to support the other man somehow. But that was still better than a punch in his mouth.

"OK, I won't," he replied. Loki soon locked himself in the bedroom they had divided and Steve went to the coffeemaker and the cold coffee waiting for him, wondering what Loki was thinking. Was he angry? Was he sad? Was he feeling repulsed by Steve fake threats and hard words?

Scrambling with some cookies, he realised he wasn't so hungry anymore.

* * *

Steve had not seen Loki's face in three full days. The man would only come out of the bedroom to eat and shower when Steve wasn't around and in the night, he would cover himself completely, head to toe, and pretend he was sleeping. He was scarcely eating and in the fourth day the blond man decided to take an action.

He knew Loki was truly sleeping from his movements. He was extremely unquiet in his sleep, always tossing his blanket, moving his arms, kicking, speaking unknown words and sometimes moaning. Steve learned that if he was quiet, he was still awake or pretending to be sleeping.

Loki had kicked his blanket away and was moving unconsciously over his bed. Sitting, Steve watched him for a few moments, asking himself if he had done the right thing or if all the chances to socialize and improve Loki's behavior had been tossed on the trashcan because of his snap. He had, from the bottom of his heart, a good intention of making Loki face the truth and perhaps rethink what he did... Never to hurt the other man so badly he would refuse to live normally.

He crossed the room and sat in a small space of Loki's bed, calling his name. The dark haired man did not seemed to react, even with Steve repeating his name on and on. Carefully, he putted his hand in Loki's silky hair and ran his fingers through it, calling him again softly.

"Thor?" Loki murmured, opening his eyes slowly. "Thor? I am... So..."

"I'm not Thor," Steve replied, removing his hand. The last thing he needed was a misunderstanding. Loki took some time to awake, to see him properly in the dark room and sighed.

"What do you want, Steve?" he questioned, making Steve ask himself what he wanted, after all.

"I'm worried about you," Steve said in a soft voice. "I understand you are mad at me. But you need to properly eat and to leave this room someday." Loki looked down and weighed his words before saying them.

"Why do you care?" he said sadly. He was recoiling himself in a shell to think, to process his new life and to accept the fact that he would probably stay human until his death for doing despicable things with all the incorrect motives. While others hunted with friends or feasted and drank, Loki always recoiled himself in his personal shell in hard times. It was natural; just as natural as having Odin reprehending him or Thor trying to force him to step out of it.

Steve didn't had a good and rational answer so he just said the truth. "Because I do. Because you matter." He could see Loki's dreary face even in the dark room and wondered why rage seemed to fit him better. It was like Loki was not supposed to be drear and sentimental, but angry and ruthless instead.

"I am not a good person, as I was not a good god. You waste your time caring about me," Loki replied slowly and turned his back to Steve, as if to finish the conversation, but he didn't got his objective.

"What are you, then?" the blond man insisted, tempted to put his hand on Loki's shoulder to show his support, but refrained, scared of the reaction. No word came out from the ex-god. "We are all, all of us, of all races and dimensions, made of several abilities and emotions, whether you like it or not. The labels scarcely made a difference on the truth inside us." He spoke tenderly, in part to himself. Even with his griefs and difficulties, he was the same man and he could learn how to adapt to this new life.

Loki turned again so abruptely that Steve jumped a little. His eyes were bloodshot and he grabbed a fist full of the other man's undershirt, pulling him closer.

"I do not know the truth inside me, Steve. I have no idea what truly lies inside my heart. I am filled with hatred and hurt, I was betrayed by the ones whom I trusted once. At some moments I believe my true wish is to destroy all of them and myself in the end." Steve stammered before giving a good answer.

"They loved you. They received you in their home and lives. How can this be a betrayal?"

"They lied to me!" Loki yelled just a few inches away from the blond's face. "They hid from me my true nature, pretending I belonged with them and pretending poorly! I was never loved like Thor was and I could never forgive myself for it!"

Steve didn't have a good answer for that. Loki let him go, shaking, his fists closed in the wish of punching something or someone. Perhaps Loki had a reason to feel that way, he realised, perhaps Odin and Frigg had truly treated him with some despise. But not Thor, Steve knew. Thor loved him deeply.

"Not him." he whispered making the once god of lies stare him again. "Not Thor. You can hate him for being more loved, for fitting better in Asgard. You can hate the support he had that refused to you... But you cannot hate him for not loving you, Loki. He loves you and you are a fool if you doubt it."

His deep blue eyes were shiny again. Loki analyzed Steve a long time, looking more calm, his chest moving slowly.

"You remind me of him horrendously and I haven't yet decided if, for that, I must love or hate you."

"You must love him," Steve replied with certainty. "Even if he had wronged you too, he is deserved of your love and you are deserved of his." He licked his own lips and smiled a weak smile. "About me, I think if you come to love or hate me, it would be good to do so based solely on myself."

He was unguarded again, Steve noticed when their eyes met. He had that misplaced impression stamped in his face. Loki raised his hand and touched lightly the other man's cheek; lowered it tracing a path with his fingers until he reached the center of his chest. He stopped there feeling Steve's heart beating in his fingertips.

"You have no reason to care, nor to help me. Yet you do. This bloody beating organ indeed controls you." Loki took his hand away and laid on his side, adjusting his pillow. "For once, it might be a good thing."

Steve couldn't help but smile as he returned to his bed. That was the best compliment he could expect from the other man and he seemed a little better, being able to joke again. "Night, Loki."

"Night." Loki closed his eyes and relaxed. Steve only had left to him more things to reflect but speaking and having his support somehow made things look a bit better.

* * *

The next morning Loki was already in the kitchen when Steve woke up. A wonderful smell was spreading itself in the small apartment and he found the other man cooking something in the stove.

"What are you doing?" he asked intrigued. He didn't knew Loki knew how to use the stove or cook modern things. The pale man was wearing just green shorts and he smiled when he turned to face Steve.

"Good morning to you too." Steve tried to not to look at Loki's body and fixed his eyes on the ex-god's face. "I am cooking. Pancakes. I found a cooking show on the television teaching about the objects and how to make food easily . . . For children. Do not dare to mock me." Steve started laughing before he could avoid it. "Do not dare!"

"I won't!" He went to the coffeemaker as he did every morning. "It's just... It is a good idea, actually. A children's show must teach everything from the beginning, I guess." He wanted to ask why Loki was behaving so... normal, but decided it would be better to just let him be. He could ask later.

"Of course it is a good idea, hence the fact I gave attention to it." Loki smiled again close to him, blinking. "And I tasted them, they are delicious. Make your coffee and we shall have a decent breakfast."

The pancakes with butter on top were actually really good and Steve liked sitting on the couch and eating beside Loki more than he would have imagined. Loki told him about how the show explained in a simple way how to use the kitchen tools and how to make quick recipes. Not that he was planning to cook lasagnas or anything like that.

They finished the breakfeast and naturally, Loki noticed how unconfortable Steve felt around his near nakedness. Steve couldn't avoid feeling that way and Loki couldn't avoid loving it. He moved a little to the side and rested his torso on Steve's arm, feeling him tense up.

"Which problem do you have concerning my body?" he asked in a neutral tone, shifting the television channels. "It is only a male human body, mostly like yours."

Steve wasn't liking Loki's bare skin touching him but the question was a good one, he had to admit. Why did Loki's body make him so uncomfortable? It was not like he had never seen a male naked torso before, he was in the Army, after all, private showers were a luxury. It was something regarding Loki and his pale and warm skin.

 _Warm skin,_ Steve thought, goggling. Loki's back felt so warm against Steve's arm that he wanted to circle Loki in a embrace and pull him closer. His eyes only widened more. He saw Loki's nude legs or chest or stomach quite often and always felt such a strange fascination that he refrained himself from it, getting away from the ambient and Loki's presence if possible. _Oh God,_ he thought remembering Loki's burned thighs. _Oh no_ , he remembered his fingers in the other man's silky black hair and the nice feeling of Loki's hand touching his face. _No_.

"It's just... A matter of personal space," Steve answered still in shock, completely stiff. Loki sat in his proper place pretending to not notice the odd reactions the blond was having. He deeply wanted to see where all of it were going in the end; he loved mischief, after all.

"I see. What a shame, as you say nowadays, for I like being seminude when I am feeling hot and I like to stay near to you, although I do not know why." Oh, he knew why. Steve was a handsome man and he always had a predilection for handsome people. In Asgard no one cared about titles and names and color of skin or gender when it came to personal relations so Loki was truly uncapable of understanding why humans made such a giant problem of it. Specially as a shape shifter, he had amused himself and others many times changing his gender – at least the ones who were not afraid of him.

"I... It's not that I dislike you," Steve stammered again, squeezing himself away from his temptation. "It could be anyone, you know... It's just that I have a space..." Loki stared him listening with attention and he gulped. "It's a matter of, of comfort and habit." He was scrambling for words in his nervous mind. Good, starting to act like a teenager would help very much.

"You have not the need of justify your actions, I was only curious." Loki waved his hand, almost laughing. Steve was attracted to him and utterly drowned in denial, it didn't take magical powers to see that. Loki also started pondering if teasing and mocking Steve with his wicked intentions was a good choice, once he was apparently the only person on Earth to trust him and care for him. _These human habits are weakening me,_ Loki though, _And it shall melt my frozen heart 'til it turns into water._

"I actually wanted to talk to you," Steve said forcing control and focusing on the real issue. Part of him hoped that all of that would just go away if he solved things between them. His brain was desperate for an escape.

"No." Loki looked at him seriously, afraid of breaking apart again. "Not now." The blond stared right into his eyes.

"It is not a conversation, in fact. I wanted to tell you something. You wouldn't have to say anything." Loki pressed his lips together, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Speak at once, Steve."

"I never thought about hurting you. I never wanted to harm you anyway... Well, not after your return. I didn't truly mean a single word of what I said that day and I'm sorry if it hurt you."

Loki wondered if Steve was capable of lying for cruelty or fun; if he was ever capable of being cruel anytime because his eyes seemed to overflow with honesty in crucial moments. And he could see clearly at that moment that his apologies had a sincerity that his threats had lacked. He suppressed a ridiculous wish to embrace the other man and nodded.

"I believe you. I keep no grudge regarding you. Steve." The blond man was starting a little smile and Loki grinned. "But I demand more of the marvelous Italian food as a token of your honesty. And you pay."

Steve laughed sligthly and Loki allowed himself to admire his smile. If he possessed little control over his human heart, he would take control over his human stomach.


	3. What's Dead and What's Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again =) I'm glad to know you are liking this. I wondered if I'm going too slow but I like to "construct" relationships in my fics so I hope I'm not boring you, lol. Things actually happen this chapter. XD Also now revised!

The several days ahead followed a pattern in their lives with Steve trying to avoid physical contact at all costs with Loki and Loki mocking him and teasing him about it whenever he could. The worst part was hearing the dark haired man's innuendos and jokes never knowing if he meant any of them. Except in those moments, they were enjoying each other's presence at the small and big things of their routines.

On the first few days after the blond man realized he felt attracted by Loki, he formulated hundreds of excuses and explanations until facing the truth and with that knowledge, his ability to sleep went away. He was practicing boxing not twice a week but five times, taking long walks with himself and even considereing calling Tony and meeting him somewhere. It was hard to spend time with Loki and acknowledge he actually liked it.

Loki refused to talk about his family or his acts definitely, which made Steve have zero idea about what crossed the other man's mind. In fact, he couldn't get any information about anything Loki wasn't completely willing to speak honestly. Somehow, the ex-god had closed himself even more about the important things by enjoying openly the trivialities of his life, as if he was using his new routine as a shield. It came as a surprise to Steve, laid on his bed thinking about Loki's angry eyes and his hair tangled in his fingers, when the silence was broken.

"Why cannot you sleep?" Steve opened his eyes to stare the ceiling.

"How do you know I can't sleep?"

"I only know. I am omniscient." Loki replied casually, provoking a laugh. "Do you doubt me?"

"Hm... Yes?" The answer came with a chuckle.

"I even know what you are thinking in this exact moment."

"Oh, do you? Tell me, almighty." Steve replied and the other man laughed maliciously.

"I do not wish to embarrass you by expressing it in words."

Even knowing Loki couldn't possibly really read his mind, Steve still flushed in the darkness. Why he had to be so... Lokish? Why couldn't he give him an easy time more often? It was amazing how interesting and yet insufferable someone could be.

"Why do you love to joke at my expense?" The blond asked as seriously as he managed to. Loki was looking at him, he could feel it, but he kept his eyes on glued to the ceiling.

"If not at yours, at whose expense will I joke? You are the only person in my life... You are the only one who wished to be on it." Steve felt his little anger melt immediately and rolled his eyes, upset with himself for a moment, but Loki took the gesture differently. "I have no real wish to give you offense, those are only jests. I may not express it often but I do enjoy living with you, Captain."

The trickster deeply hated to worry about Steve or anything regarding the man and that started to happen too often for his tastes. Although he was painfully aware that each day he grew a little more attached to the soldier, he still fought it with all his strength, which meant to mock the blond at every damned chance. Hurting him seriously, however, was not in Loki's plans; not now he was starting to enjoy that simple and boring human life. Not when Steve was, after all, the only person left around.

Steve has about to answer when he heard a boom at the apartment's door. He jumped from bed, got his shield from under it and when he arrived at the door, a familiar voice sounded on the other side.

"Loki! Brother, I beg you!" A thunder voice, almost pleading, that he recognized as Thor's.

"Thor?" Steve asked out of suspicion, standing ready to attack. The next boom cracked the door open and the Asgardian god gripped tightly the other man's shoulders before he could help it. "My brother, tell me where my brother is."

"I am here. And I am not your..." He was interrupted by a crushing embrace from the god and accepted it for lacking of choice, since his strength was now merely a breeze when compared to the god's. Thor's arms were literally squeezing him within an inch of life and Loki looked at the soldier wide-eyed. Thor was sobbing terribly in silence, his face buried in Loki's hair.

"Thor, what happened?" Steve questioned, feeling shocked, before a tiny voice came of out of his now non-existent door.

"Uh, hi." The appalled soldier stared a brunette small woman, who was smiling shyly and sadly. "Sorry for the damage and for showing up so late. I'm Jane."

"Hi, Jane... Can you tell me what's happening? And how did you two get here?" Looking at the whole scene, his mind was having a hard time processing it. Loki was still immovable and speechless inside of his brother's grip.

"Yeah, uh, that would be because of me." Another voice sounded and Tony went in their direction walking confidently. _Okay_ , Steve thought, _things can't get much weirder_. The man passed through Jane and entered the apartment without an invitation.

"What the hell is happening here?" Steve asked impatiently and Loki forced himself away from Thor's embrace. The three of them stopped to watch they interact.

"What is all of it, Thor?" Loki asked trying to step away from the god's reach and unconsciously walked closer to Steve. Thor looked miserable for a god and dressed as a civilian, he could easily pass as a desperate powerless human.

"Our father and mother are dead. The Chitauri somehow invaded Asgard and killed them." The eyes of the ex-God of Lies widened more than Steve had even seen, his lips were parted slightly in barely concealed shock and the soldier feared he might somehow collapse. Thor was closer again and held his brother's hands with no resistance. "They invaded Asgard in disguise and escaped after the crime, leaving only chaos. I have reasons to believe they intend to come to Midgard and bring the same fate upon you, brother." Loki's lips trembled.

"I am not your brother." He removed his hands from Thor's and took two steps back. They were all expecting a speech of some kind, either loathing Thor or defying the Chitauri, but nothing came of Loki's mouth anymore. He was frozen in the spot, stunned and silent.

"We have a blue screen of death here." Tony said, his eyebrows raised high in his forehead, and only Jane seemed to understand him. Steve turned to his housemate and raised his hand to touch Loki's arm, but the man stepped away from him too. His heart sunk in his chest.

"Loki?" Steve and Thor asked at the same time, not moving any closer to the silent man. "Brother, do you comprehend me? Your life is at danger, we must leave."

No answer again. Loki stared the floor looking detached from his own body. He was recoiling again, sinking into himself harder than ever, straight into the satefy his private universe to process and deal with the information and more importantly, decide what to do. Thor was King now, he was the rightful ruler, he could give Loki's powers back if he believed he should or keep him imprisoned in that human body for eternity.

If Thor believed he was changed... But he was not, not entirely, perhaps not at all. He no longer nourished that intense hate against Thor, after a long time pondering about his part on the betrayal, but that did not meant much. He was still full of rancor of his adoptive brother, Asgard in general, of its people, of Frigga and Odin, specially. But now they were dead and he might follow them soon to the grave.

"Guys, I know it's a delicate moment and all but we really should go." Tony said cautiously approaching the captain. "Maybe you should stuff some clothes in a bag and hurry, we got a car waiting for us." The last thing the blond man wanted was to leave Loki alone in the room but he forced himself to do as suggested and went to the bedroom. Jane followed him and stood at the door while he packed some clothes carelessly.

"You see, uh, Thor comes to see me sometimes and to hear about Loki... He was with me when he discovered the murders. He had to return to Asgard and... See it for himself." She had a sad tone in her voice that matched her face perfectly. "Then he returned desperate to find Loki. We contacted SHIELD and they sent Stark to pick up us all and leave us at their base."

Steve had finished by the end of her phrase and they got back to meet the others; Loki was still standing in the same place but with Thor wrapped around him, weeping. He lifted his eyes to see the soldier but it felt as if he wasn't properly seeing anything. Steve was getting more and more worried about the man he had come to like.

They were soon all in one of the luxurious cars of Tony and Loki kept quiet and still all the way until the SHIELDs base in New York. He only moved when his foster brother tried to hold his hands or arms and did it solely to avoid the contact. Except for Thor sobbing and trying to talk with the ex-god, no one spoke during the journey. When they arrived Fury was waiting for them looking tense as usual. Jane soon started talking the whole version of the story nervously and he waited until the end to speak.

"Well... We are all sorry for your loss and we understand this mean the Chitauri may come to Earth to execute Loki. Unfortunately we don't have powers to stop aliens from coming but we do what we can to keep them tracked. We can do nothing except keep Loki here under our surveillance and only if he choose to." Nick raised him hand in a gesture that made that really clear. "Unless you, as new ruler and King of Asgard, can command him."

All eyes turned to Thor and he seemed to assimilate the fact only at that moment. In his rage and pain he had no time to think about Odin's legacy and the power he had in his hands now. Thor gulped before speak.

"Brother, I am certain you agree in remain here until we erase the threats to you life."

All eyes turned to Loki, as in a tennis play, but the ex-god did not drafted a single reaction. His face was serious and somber and eyes seemed magnetically attracted to the ground.

"He is not in condition of speaking for himself." Steve said and it took him all his strenght to say each word without letting the others know how he was feeling terrible with Loki's state. Not even that statement he replied and it was the worst signal of all.

"He shall stay." Thor stated firmly, his voice contrasting his watered eyes. "I must return to Asgard, reunite with the best warriors and confront the Chitauri soon. I shall make them pay. Such battle is not for Midgard to fight."

In a matter of minutes Jane and Thor were talking while walking away, several agents crowded the room surrounding Fury and one of them showed Steve and Loki their rooms, one beside the other. The soldier had to conduct Loki with a hand in his back and he was about to walk in with him in his room when Tony whistled coming down the corridor. Steve made Loki sit in his bed and closed the door partially to talk with the billionaire outside.

"So, he's frozen..." Tony said and the other man squinted his eyes in warning. "He's in shock, Cap. If he continues like that for long Fury will fear he will explode and put him down like a lion with darts. Maybe actually with darts. For a angry super villian he seems very fragile now."

"He is facing a battle in his own mind, Stark, and he is completely human now. I don't think he can be considered a super villian anymore." Tony's eyes were squinted now. He moved forwards and backwards, analyzing Steve a few moments.

"Hm, I see. Well, you moved in with him, you must know better." He raised his hands in a defensive posture. "All I'm saying is that it will do no good to him to stay like that and you seems to be the best person to take him out of his stupor. Then, maybe, we will see who Loki really is now."

Steve stared him coldly, upset for realising not even he knew who Loki really had become. Nevertheless he thanked Tony for his help and watched him walk away, somewhat afraid of entering the room again and confronting his... Friend? Enemy? He wasn't totally sure about that neither.

He walked into the room slowly, closing the door at his back, to find Loki in the same spot he had left. Steve closed his eyes a few moments breathing deep, trying to figure out the best thing to do. Everything sounded like an awful effort and a possible mistake, which made him suddenly notice why he was the best person to deal with it. If he didn't knew what to do, nobody else would.

Steve sat beside Loki and stroked his back calmly; the only reaction from Loki was blinking eyes.

"I'm not sure if you can hear me. Can you? Would you?" The blond man asked. He was feeling so nervous and so uncertain he forced himself to sound secure. Someone there needed to stay strong. After some seconds, for his surprise, Loki nodded. "You probably just want to be alone now. But I don't think-"

"No." Loki interrupted him without changing his eyes from the floor. "I just prefer to be quiet. You are welcome to my silence." Steve squeezed his shoulder. He just felt a huge wish to hold Loki in his arms and tell him everything was going to be alright, despite the chance Loki might wanted to see everything going wrong.

Loki sighed and rubbed his eyes with one hand, looking exhausted. "We should sleep, we are even in our sleep clothing still." He said and to surprise Steve a little more, he finally looked into the blond's eyes, looking like a tired and lost man. "Would you sleep with me tonight? I would not like to be alone."

"Yes." Steve replied before thinking once. Loki kicked his slippers away and slipped beneath the sheet while the soldier turned off the lights. His heart was pounding but it was too late to change his mind; and even if it wasn't, he would not be able to leave Loki alone.

He went under the sheet carefully and as soon as he was laid on his side, Loki wrapped his arms around his chest and buried his face under Steve's chin. An unvoluntary shiver ran thru his spine with the dark-haired man breathing against his neck. _It is time to face the reality again,_ Steve thought stroking Loki's hair, _for both of us_. It took just a few minutes until he fell into a peaceful dreamless sleep.

* * *

It was soothing, nice to feel the rhythm of Steve's body whilest he breathed in his sleep. But Loki was completely awake drowned in a whirlwind of thoughts in his mind.

What was the point of all his anger now? What he could do with his hatred once Odin and Frigg were dead? His retaliation was stolen from him. All he ever wanted, to dethrone Odin, to shame Frigg, to destroy Asgard ignoble people, all of it was stolen. The only thing left was Thor and he was not sure how he felt about him.

All of it because of his precipitated acts and erroneous decisions. Was he condemned to be a failure? Fated to be hated for all the dimensions and planets he planted his feet on? He would never return to Asgard, not because their people despised him, but because he despised them. Those arrogant and vile people whom only made his life worse for being smaller and weaker than common.

He was Loki Odinson until Odin was not his father anymore; then he became Loki Laufeyson, but Laufey was dead. He learned to hate the magic in his blood to later, learned to use it in his advantage. He envied the stronger to later despise them. He was taught to love Asgard but reached the day were he felt better in any other place.

With all its flaws and taints, Earth has proved itself a pleasant place to live. The food was wonderful, the good music was enjoyable, the literature was somewhat interesting and its people were mostly bearable, often amiable. Being in a human body was certainly the worst part, but being in Earth became surprisingly good and the spot where he was at that moment was particularly a delightful one. As outrageous as it seemed once, Loki was indeed happy in being there with that handsome but fool man, he had to admit. In fact, he had dozens of things to admit.

"Steve." Loki moved his hand against the blond's back. "Steve." The other man woke up fast and alert and tried to sit but Loki's arms held him tightly in place.

"What?" His heart beated so hard that Loki could feel it despite not being truly close to him.

"Calm yourself, I just..." He buried his face in Steve's neck again. It felt so warm and safe to be there it could only be better if he was safe from his own thoughts too. Soon there was a hand caressing his hair. "I... Hells, I do not know why I woke you."

"It's OK, really." Loki closed his eyes with Steve's touch. "How are you?"

"I have not a slightest idea." He allowed his hands to travel across the blond man's wide back, up and down, pressing his palms against the fabric of the undershirt. "I am torn."

"Between what, may I know?" Steve questioned doing his best to focus on the conversation, despite Loki's touch. He tangled his fingers in the soft hair of the other man, who sighed.

"Between all the conflictuous feelings and memories I have, bursting in my mind." His answer was not much more than a melancholic whisper. "I hated so many things for so long, people once I loved, people which now are dead and people I wish to see dead. I craved for vengeance... Now I do not know if such objective is still worth. I also wish peace and joy, but these seems the farther things of all now."

"I heard once that if you seek vengeance, you must dig two graves. Is it worth to forsake all the things you learned, all the things you went through, just to take someone to the grave with you?" Steve said softly and Loki sighed again feeling trapped. The soldier's hands moved to touch his face tenderly. "You can search peace and joy through vengeance but you may die before you get any of them." Loki raised his face as if he could look to the soldier and even though he was seeing nothing, he felt in home.

"You lost loved ones and the dreams you had regarding them. I lost hated ones and the plans of making them pay. Besides your love and my hatred... What is left to us, Steve?" Loki's hands gripped to him hardly and the blond's heart started pounding again. The strong grip of the slender man carried much more than a single meaning and he was aware of it, holding Loki with dedication.

"The living ones." Was his reply after some moments choosing what could answer Loki's doubts in several aspects. That answer also fulfilled his own doubts frequently. "Regardless of anything, we must go on."

There were lips pressing hard against his with such urgency that he could barely finish the sentence before being kissed. Loki's lips were soft, soft as his hair and hard as his hands, teasing and sweet, all in once. He wrapped his fingers in the dark hair and closed his fists without noticing, ripping a moan from the ex-god. Steve opened his hands and broke the kiss immediately. "I'm sorry."

"You should not be. Do it again." Loki replied already against his lips and Steve couldn't help but smirk. Heaven, it was, when he allowed his hands to close again and Loki pulled him so hard he could feel every part of his body near. Still, it felt like they were a whole world distant from each other.

Loki broke the kiss for a moment hit by a strange need to admit what he was feeling out loud. "You bring me peace." He whispered and soon went for another kiss, stopping when it failed because of Steve's smile.

"Funny enough, you always made me restless when you are around." Steve pressed his thumbs on Loki's cheekbones. "And still I'm absurdly glad for your presence." This time Loki smiled too feeling an utter fool. _I must go on_ , he thought one last time.

He kissed Steve again and this time licked his lips waiting an invitation that was promptly answered. The soldier moaned by being kissed like that for the first time, being wanted like that and wanting so much. He shivered again when Loki's hands crept inside of his undershirt and touched his skin; they seemed cold and teasing and Steve did the same automatically.

He almost smiled to himself when he realised how happy he felt and kissed Loki until they got airless. In the pause the ex-god yawned and he laughed and planted a kiss on his pale forehead. "We should sleep, truth be told... We have no idea what is going to happen tomorow."

"I rather stay awake all night fondling you." Loki kissed his neck slowly, hands still traveling in the soft skin of his back. Steve squirmed when suddenly he felt a spot of his neck being licked.

"Stop it." He used all his forces to hold Loki's shoulders and push him some inches away. "It's not the right place and I don't... Well..." He gulped letting his hand come back to the other man's face. "I don't want to rush things."

"I do not want that. I only want you." Loki took a deep breath and closed his eyes, resting his face in the soldier's hand. "Unfortunately you are right, we must rest." _And I hope to live long enough to conclude this at least,_ Loki thought somewhat bitterly.

They ended up returning to the same position they begun but this time, Loki felt asleep first with Steve caressing his hair. For a second, the blond man remembered that Loki's life was at stake, but decided to make himself forget it until the next morning. He had time to consider it, to worry, to fight to protect him if necessary. But for that night, the only thing he wanted was to snuggle with the untamed man and allow himself to forget everything else.


	4. An Unforgiven Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos and everything, it makes me really happy. =] Hope you like this one, beta'd by the lovely EsmeAmelia, with some steamy action on it!

There were people staring everywhere, every time they stepped inside a room. They were looked at, however, for very different reasons, and the observers made this very clear from their first morning at SHIELD.

Several people greeted Steve with politeness and respect, some of them keeping serious faces to hide their excited eyes. Some people just waved from distance and he was glad to respond to every one of his fans. But there was not a single soul in that place that didn't stare at Loki with suspicion and scorn either clearly or discreetly.

He smirked at them in the beginning, sent hand waves and winks until they stopped to stare; then only whispers left. People bumped him occasionally and called him names too low for anyone else to hear but loud enough for Loki to understand the message. He was hated and he would remain that way until his last day.

But Loki would rather be hated and alive than loved and dead, so he endured all the provocations with patience and tried to stay with Steve most of the time, for no one had courage to bump and curse him when he was next to the blond man.

"You are their prince, do you know?" Loki said smiling to him one morning. They took all their meals in the dining hall together with several agents but always alone at a table that could accommodate six people. No one ever tried to sit with them.

"I'm their symbol. They see me as Captain America, not as a person with faults and mistakes," Steve replied, eating waffles covered with way too much syrup. "Same thing with you, you know, but oppositely."

Loki ignored him, paying attention to one of the televisions in the hall. There were five of them, positioned in different places so only the people near to them could hear completely. All of them were turned to channels of news of diverse countries. Maybe he could spot some uncommon or strange news; he was never sure about how much information SHIELD could hide from him.

"I know you heard me," Steve continued, pointing a finger. "They don't know you either. They only know Loki the God of Mischief, a ruthless Asgardian and his horned helmet." The other man smiled slightly, sighing.

"I lack my helmet terribly, thank you for reminding me of it," he said ironically, moving some scrambled eggs in his dish. "And to know it has a demoniac appeal in the eyes of humans only increases my love." Steve swallowed before opening a huge grin.

"Do you remember you are human?" Loki stared him uneasy. He was not in the best of his tempers. "Do you remember that you are in fact more human than I am?" The ex-god gulped, leaving his fork upon the table.

"Naturally. I feel greater pain, I get easily tired, I am often hungrier and I can possibly die anytime. Would you expect me to forget this?" The smile in the face of the soldier died slowly. He stopped eating and tried to come up with something decent to say.

In Loki's opinion it was taking too long. He stood up and left the table, hearing Steve calling his name and ignoring it, heading for his room feeling his stomach revolve. His humor grew darker with the absence of news from Thor or Asgard since the day Thor left. Jane tried to contact him somehow, but they simply didn't have enough technology.

After a good walk, Loki believed he was alone in the corridor that took him to his room when someone pushed him and pulled his hair, smashing his face against the grey wall. He had no time to open his mouth and yell; a voice sounded near to him, telling him to keep quiet.

"No, I'm not going to kill you. I will watch you die when your time comes." It was a woman's voice and Loki thought for a second he could fight a woman. He was wrong; she twisted his arm as if she could read his mind and bumped her knee in the back of his leg, making him nearly fall to the ground and scrubbed his face in the wall. "You can fool him, but you can't fool anyone else here. We know you and unlike Cap, we don't believe you're changed."

Loki opened his mouth in surprise. How it taken him so long to recognize that voice?

"Well, I believed you have changed," he spoke, trying to make the words clear, a hard work in his position. She understood, however, and he continued. "Must I tell everyone you are lying and betraying them?"

"Don't compare us. I'm not like you," the Black Widow whispered in his ear, pulling his face from the wall and smashing it again. He laughed coldly, tasting blood in his lips and feeling it dripping from his nose.

"No, you are worse. You killed many and more than I have, Natasha. You have sold your soul, as you humans say, and bought a decent but phony reputation with your payment." She was pulling his hair harder and he felt his eyes burn with tears. "But if you truly changed, why cannot I do the same?"

"Did you change?" she grunted. Loki closed his eyes, realising he couldn't bring himself to say yes. Natasha shoved him into the ground and stepped in his back while going away. "We don't trust you and we never will."

Loki stood in the same position, thinking for a few seconds, before raising himself from the floor. Tears ran from his eyes despite the fact he was not weeping and his nose and face ached horribly. He stood up with a enormous effort and wiped the blood away with a hand while heading to his room, hoping to at least wash his face before looking for care and especially before facing Steve.

His hopes were all lost when he heard the voice of the other man while he unlocked his door.

"Loki, wait, please, I didn't mean to offend you." He ignored him, but naturally Steve was faster and stopped him from closing his door. Loki didn't have time to hide his face either. "God, what happened to you?" The blond man widened his eyes, touching the uninjured side of his face. Loki pushed his hand away but his voice was calm.

"Nothing. I fell. I shall wash my face before finding a healer." He closed the door and went to the bathroom with the soldier at his heels.

"You fell? For God's sake, did you fell over a rock? Who did this to you?" Ignoring him, the dark-haired man washed himself, wincing in pain, and stared at his face in the small mirror over the sink. One side of it was almost raw and his nose was obviously broken, dark red blood streaming through his lips and dripping slowly from his chin. He would never receive anything better than that from others.

"The agressor does not matter. Someone would have done it at some point." Loki replied noticing how odd and annoying his voice sounded. "I believe we both may agree that this would come anyhow."

"I don't care." Steve invaded the bathroom and caught a small towel, giving it to Loki and forcing his head up, as if to stare the ceiling. "Press it to help with the bleeding. Every corner of this place is monitored by cameras and I will find who did this."

"No, you will not!" Loki replied upset, pressing the towel under his nose and flinching in pain. He was not a child running to his mother's help after a fight. "This is not of your concern."

"You are my concern, dammit!" Steve answered, facing him through the mirror, horrified with the vision. Loki squinted his eyes.

"I will not repeat this. You shall not disrespect my will, Steve. You are not my father and you are not my king." The blond man gritted his teeth, smoothing Loki's arm as if to keep himself from seizing it. The white towel under Loki's nose was quickly getting a red stain.

"You need to see a doctor. Let's find one." He tried to walk with the ex-god, holding his arm, but Loki pushed his hand again, this time with violence, and stepped away from him, leaving Steve surprised.

"I am not your subordinate!" he shouted, angry with many and more things besides Steve and throwing it at the soldier. "How dare you think you control my needs and sentiments?!"

"I don't! You never told me what they are, you never tell me anything!" Steve shouted back, closing his hands. "All I do is guess and worry about you! I can't help if I'm drawn to protect you and take your decisions, I was made to act this way. I will not lose you because of my incompetence."

Loki was panting, his back touching the cold tiles of the wall and his hand still holding the wet towel under his bleeding nose. "For all you know, I was a ruthless Asgardian. A killer and a greedy alien who planned to rule humankind at all costs. I wonder, who do you believe I am now, for your insistence in what I refuse, for your pleasure of remembering me of what I lost."

"Who are you?" Steve blurted, his face twisted with angst and his head aching. Something in his heart avoided that question blindly but he could not return to it. It was too late for pretending it didn't matter. "I honestly don't know, tell me, please. What would you do if you could do anything, Loki? If you could retrieve your godly form..." The soldier looked down for a moment but ended at staring Loki's eyes. "What would you do if all of your powers were given back to you?"

Loki took away the towel from his face to answer. He was ready to speak; except for the fact that he didn't have a answer. He tried to ask himself that countless times but he only dismissed the idea telling himself Thor would never do that, not even in hundred Earthly years, not him, the one responsible for Odin and Frigg's deaths... Not even if he survived the Chitauri vengeance. Such a possibility was too remote to allow him a rational idea of what he would do.

"I do not have such answers," he finally said, feeling blood in the back of his throat. Loki choked with the awful metallic taste some seconds before managing to spit the red content on the floor. "I truly must seek proper care." Steve still stared at him tensed a few moments before nodding and going for the door.

"Yes," he answered low, walking out of the room sided with Loki and his undoubtely red stained towel over his nose. Steve offered him his arm and he accepted it on the way to the ambulatory.

"I am not who I was once. I can change." Loki said emphatically on the way, his voice muffled but understandable, serious and gloomy.

"I believe it," the blond man replied carefully, unwilling to start another arguement. "But maybe you should avoid talking, because of the bleeding."

Loki sighed, feeling somewhat dizzy; he clung to the other man's arm glad for the support and they arrived at the ambulatory soon. The first nurse who attended to him made a face at the amount of blood in the towel and quickly the ex-god was lying in a stiff bed with bizarre wires connected to his veins. Without a shadow of doubt, he knew all the following events would be painful and unpleasant.

"I'm sorry," Steve said, softly holding his hand and he looked into his clear eyes quietly. "I'm sorry you have to go through it. If I was there I could have-"

"You are here," Loki gave him a small smile and a hand squeeze. "Allow yourself to pretend that this is all that matters."

* * *

He could feel Loki's chest making soft movements under his hands. Steve was filled with guilt even after ten days of the incident, and he did everything he could to make the other man comfortable. They were half laid in the bed with the blond man resting against the pillow and Loki resting against his torso, sitting between Steve's legs. Only his room had a television so it was the place where Loki spent most of his time after the attack.

The dark-haired man didn't need surgery but he went through a painful process to fix his nose and still had a thick white square over it to protect the healing bone and keep it in the right place. His skin was better and luckily no teeth were broken or chipped.

Against Steve's will they reported to the ambulatory that Loki had fallen in the bathroom, smashing his face in the sink and resulting in his broken nose. The soldier truly wanted to go to Fury, to find out who did that, but Loki was the offended one and he wanted to leave it as it was. It took all of Steve's determination to do as Loki wished and not report the incident.

He was extremely worried about Thor, a possible invasion or attack of the Chitauri, and the idea of some Asgardian rebel willing to travel to Earth and take Loki's life himself also crossed his mind. He was not, after all, completely secure with SHIELD, not even from its own agents; there was too much anger coming from all directions. But Steve never revealed any of his thoughts to Loki to avoid scaring or depressing him.

Loki could feel the tension in Steve. The man moved, breathed and talked differently when his mind was filled with problems and concerns. His hands were a little stiff resting in Loki's chest and he caressed the blond's arms to relax him. They were watching a show about the sea life of Earth that Loki found somehow interesting, but he knew Steve was not paying attention to the television a single minute.

"What is the matter this time?" he finally asked, switching the television off.

"What?" Steve gulped. "I thought you were enjoying the documentary."

"It is a hard task to enjoy a show knowing you are drowned in dark thoughts. Why don't you simply speak?" Steve embraced him with strength, enjoying the warmth of Loki's body and breathing the scent of shampoo from his dark hair for a minute.

"You worry too much," Loki said, moving sinuously and offering his neck. They could barely kiss since his nose broke and he really lacked physical contact with his handsome mate; mate, for despite their feelings, they had not yet established a line or a label for their uncommon relationship.

"And you worry too little." Steve accepted the offer and kissed his neck gently. "But maybe that's good."

"You are aware I have my preoccupations... I seldom forget them but occasionally I try to enjoy the moment. Someone told me that regardless of anything, we must go on." He smiled and placed his hand on Steve's head, holding his fair hair and pulling him closer. Loki was used to hungry and wanton lovers but the sweetness of the soldier's touch felt wonderful.

"Will you take revenge on who attacked you?" Steve asked cautiously between the kisses. Loki stopped for a moment.

"No. That was, in fact, a revenge against me. I no longer wish to perpetuate this circle of hatred." He leaned himself again but Steve stopped this time, holding him tightly.

"Really?" Loki slipped to the left, turned his head to look into the other's face and saw a surprised expression. _I cannot blame him_ , he thought, _For I am somewhat surprised myself._

"Yes. I see no purpose in continuing the path I started for desires and sentiments left behind. A path that will no longer lead me to a pleasant recompense." Steve blinked and left a little smile slip, making Loki stare at him seriously. "My nature remains the same, you fool. Only my purposes have changed."

He was being squeezed almost to pain by the arms around him and yet he smiled. It felt good to feel wanted, to feel loved. Loki realised he could not remember the last time he truly felt that way.

"Who told you I expected your nature to change? I almost like it." Steve replied, kissing his cheek, afraid of getting to close to his bandage. This time Loki laughed and moaned in discomfort.

"Do not make me laugh, it hurts." He returned to his original position and slipped down a little only to go up moving against Steve in a snake-like movement that shocked the other man. "How can you not love my nature?" Loki whispered wickedly, scratching Steve's neck. The soldier suddenly felt inside a oven, oppressed and airless.

"I... I don't. I mean..." Loki placed his hands in the blond man's knees and slowly drove them down, opening his long fingers to touch the muscled thighs over the jeans Steve was wearing. He held another laugh when he felt the reaction he was provoking.

"I cannot comprehend why you stopped kissing me." He offered his neck again. Steve hesitated for a few seconds, moving his hands to hold Loki's wrists and stop him, but the trickster was quicker and placed a hand over Steve's bulge before he could avoid. The blond let a soft moan escape his lips and felt his face flush immediately.

"Loki, you know I don't think... We..." He moaned again and Loki chuckled despite the pain it caused. Teasing was his specialty. Once he was still too injured to kiss, fondle and roll freely in the bed with Steve and had been injured for what seemed a lifetime, he wanted at least to release some sexual tension and enjoy the few things he could do. He had the excuse of being human, after all.

"We are not commiting a crime, Steve, and I have been through so much pain lately..." he replied with a sad voice, and Steve touched his neck with his lips, keeping it there without kissing.

"I know. I wish I could change it." Loki squeezed his hardness and he gasped. "Why are you doing this? I should be... Pleasing you."

"I want to. I want..." He pressed himself in the soldier again, moaning lightly. "Hm, so many things..."

"You know I don't know how to... to do some things. Anything, actually." Steve sighed after opening his mouth and let his tongue touch Loki's skin, provoking a shudder. Loki was moving restlessly, caressing him with both hands, and the soldier though he was doing it right at least. He felt terribly embarassed of his lack of experience, shy for what he was doing and still aroused with all of that.

Loki held one of his hands and placed it over his own pants completely unashamed. In fact, Steve realised when he raised his eyes, the ex-god was smiling. He chuckled before bury his face in the pale neck again. His hand mimicked what Loki was doing and he felt relieved when noticed it was not hard at all to please the other man.

Steve bit him lightly and Loki squirmed, moaning and pulling his head closer. Loki was not sure of the reason, but it all felt tremendously good, more than most of his experiences in the past. Perhaps just like eating, fondling also was better in a sensitive human body.

His hands soon were trying to open the soldier's pants without success. It was hard enough when the button and zipper were in front of him and now it was at his back. Loki grew impatient and backed off only to turn to face Steve and sit abruptly in his lap, surprising the other.

"I want to kiss you but my literally bloody nose stands between us," he said, holding Steve's face firmly. Loki inclined his head several times until finding the perfect angle to press his lips against Steve and when he finally did, they sunk directly in a deep and anxious kiss.

_This is wrong, we shouldn't do it here,_ Steve thought in the back of his mind. _What if someone knocks in the door, what if..._ His rational voice disappeared entirely when the trickster opened his pants and drove his hand inside his underwear. Steve couldn't help but moan inside the kiss and pull Loki's hips closer as much as he could.

Loki broke the kiss and offered his neck again, stroking Steve with both hands. He gladly licked the sensitive skin and bit, it trying to gather courage to touch Loki as well. He felt ridiculous for a moment for being shy with a man sitting in his lap and stroking him; so ridiculous he couldn't help but laugh, feeling his face burn. Loki pulled his face up and his dark green eyes pierced him.

"Are you still hesitant?" he whispered, working his other hand slowly. Steve closed his eyes and Loki gave him a hair tug, making him stare him again. His face was redder than Loki even believed possible.

"I'm... embarrassed." Loki kissed him in the lips quickly and put his mouth close to the blond's ear the best way he could. His hand slipped from the blond hair to Steve's back, creeping under his T-shirt.

"We are not acting too fast, but we may stop if that is your wish," the ex-god said sweetly and before Steve could embrace the idea and push him away, he continued. "Or you can give me some relief, make me forget my injuries and my pain for some moments."

"Now you are playing dirty," the soldier replied, smiling while he touched Loki's thigh. Loki laughed a very malicious laugh before burying his nails in his back.

"You would know what is dirty if you could read my mind." Steve shuddered and stopped in the elastic of the other's sweatpants.

"Do it," Loki urged, closing his hand around Steve with all his strength. "Just do it."

His hand slipped inside the pants easily and Steve could believe his face was on fire when he held Loki and the other man moaned softly in his ear. It was nearly incredible, touching his lover and hearing his sounds, to be touched and feel his lips gliding on his skin. Suddenly there was too much clothing over all of them, too much heat and too much space to be crossed.

Loki's low moans were mixed with words sometimes, all and each of them seeming to be made to make Steve blush more and get harder; to make his hand go faster and his teeth sink deeper in the warm skin. He was incredibly glad and aroused and ashamed and he could barely think of any words and Loki kissed him again and it was all too much, all too much for his mind to process...

Until a brute knock at the door ripped him violently from his personal paradise.

"Mr. Rogers?" a male voice sounded and he froze, goggling. Panic stamped his eyes but all his saw in Loki's face was frustration and impatience.

"Yes?" he answered clearly and the dark-haired man started to giggle at the situation.

"Fury is waiting for you and Loki in his meeting room. He got news from Asgard and it's urgent." Both men exchanged a serious glare.

"Uh, we will be there in five minutes, thank you," Steve replied and the agent went away. He untangled himself from Loki and a frosty mist seemed to dominate the room. All the warmth and joy slipped away as they adjusted their clothes and washed their hands and faces.

Steve could see clearly behind the mask of arrogance and coldness the other man had. His eyes were the eyes of a child when he stared at him for a moment before leaving the room and his lips were pressed together firmly. Loki was terrified. And if the blond man was honest with himself, so was he.


	5. The Golden Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Here it comes another one, hope you like it. =)

He was trying not to think, not to imagine something and be shocked or disappointed in the end, and he was one hundred percent sure Loki felt the same way. Still, dozens of possibilities and images burst in his mind and he tried his best to ignore them all; it would do no good to feed expectations. Steve took a deep breath before opening the door of the meeting room and facing whatever waited him.

Thor was standing with his chin up, glowing in the pale room amongst the silent people. He was dressed as an Asgardian but not in his usual armor; his armor was made of dark brown leather and brushed gold metal, a crimson cape flowing from his huge shoulders to the floor. His hammer hanging at his belt was the only silver element. He resembled the sun shining in a grey sky, powerful and dominant. 

But Loki took no time to notice two things uncharacteristic about his foster brother: a scar starting on the corner of his lips that descended through his chin and hid under the armor and the lack of his arrogant and obnoxious smile. Nevertheless he gulped to suppress tears from coming to his eyes. Thor was undoubtedly the king he was born to be and that put Loki's soul through a storm.

"Here we are, Colonel, Thor." Steve broke the silence and nodded his head. Fury waved his hand, inviting them to sit at the chairs in front of his desk, but no one moved. Loki and Thor stared each other unblinking, their breaths suspended, waiting.

"I am glad to see you two again," Thor finally spoke with a voice as serious as his face. His eyes started to gleam as he spoke. "Good words I have for your ears, brother. We have been through hell and farther to chase the assassins of Mother and Father and when we found them, we drowned deeper in terror to battle and win. But we won."

An unwanted smile made Loki's face twitch and his lips were shaking in the attempt of holding it. Steve would give an arm to know what exactly was crossing the ex-god's mind and heart at that moment. Was it only selfishness for knowing his life was safe? Was it relief for Thor's life? Was it the victory from the Chitauri's defeat or satisfaction upon his brother's suffering?

"I see you remain alive," Thor continued, blinking for the first time. "Have you injured your face?" Steve stared his friend with apprehension. Loki licked his lips and spoke as if he were putting all his efforts in every single word.

"I suffered an accident while bathing. This was not my first injury and shall not be the last. A human body is the most frail existence one may have." Thor was alive and Loki was extremely upset that the fact made him somewhat happy. It was a habit, despise Thor, but he acknowledged his that foster brother held no responsability for his adoption, his nature, or his frustrated life as a deprecated son and useless warrior. He was the true son of Odin, after all. His place could never be taken by Loki and that both unnerved and comforted him.

But his brother had been immature, arrogant, and even cruel along his life and Loki did not forget. He was trying to suppress the thoughts and the mixed emotions when the blond god walked closer. Each step made Loki more tense, his faced carved in stone, his hands closed in fists... But he looked like a child again when Thor stretched his arms and offered his hands.

"Brother..." Thor tried to smile in vain, his lips giving up, and there were tears ready to slip from his eyes as he spoke. "You may not be brother in my blood, yet you must always be brother to my heart. We suffered and made mistakes that cannot be repaired and many of them are my responsability. I have grown enough to face this truth. I beg your forgiveness for all times I wronged you." He paused a moment while some tears crossed his cheeks. "Will you forgive me?"

Loki couldn't contain the shock, his mouth open in a circle, wide-eyed.  _Is Thor asking my forgiveness? Thor, the mindless arrogant, the best son, begging my pardon?_ He shut his mouth and raised an eyebrow, staring his brother's huge hands, palms up, waiting for his touch. It was hard to think properly while he let the words come out.

"I am your enemy. I am a Frost Giant and you are the protector of the realms, the monsters slayer," he spoke, sounding terribly weak, and Thor shook his head.

"No. You are my family. You loved me once and I love you still, this must come first."

Loki smiled bitterly feeling his body shake. He hated not being strong enough to neither stop loving Thor nor stop hating him. "It is your duty as King of Asgard to kill me."

Thor moved his arms, almost touching his brother's body, offering his hands with desperation.

"I would never, never. You are my beloved brother and here I am begging you to forgive all harm I did to you." Thor was obviously fighting against tears and Loki was not very far from it himself. All he ever wanted when young was to be accepted, loved, and seen as Thor's equal. When life tried to belittle him, he wanted revenge and self-affirmation. He was the monster, but the man who had all motives to hate him was asking his forgiveness. It was his decision, he realised, staring at Thor's hands, it was uniquely his choice.

_Do it,_  Steve was repeating in his mind.  _Do it, don't be an idiot, Loki._  Fury and the other two agents in the room seemed to disappear; such was the silence they made to watch the scene. Loki simply stood in silence, trying to connect his thoughts and put a order in his mind. It was his chance to ruin or restore everything - perhaps the last he would ever have.

"Never," Loki finally spoke, his voice hard without a single track of hesitation. This time the soldier's mouth opened and Thor stepped back astonished, looking and feeling as if he was stabbed. "Never." His hands rested at his sides and the dark-haired man smiled meanly.

"Lo-Loki..." Steve stuttered low, and the ex-god raised a hand asking silently for him to stop. He crossed his arms and looked fiercely into Thor's eyes.

"Never... I will ignore the motives of my acts. Never I will have power to change the past." His voice echoed in the room powerfully and his brother seemed to awake from his stupor, staring him with confusion. Loki's face was honest again, painfully sad, his voice lower. "I shall forgive you, shall you be capable of overcoming the decisions I made and their consequences. You must-"

His words were silenced with Thor crushing him again in his arms and bringing him up, laughing and crying at the same time loud as a thunder this time, Loki smiled honestly. Thor proved his love completely by asking his forgiveness, for he could never bow so low for a unimportant person. His pride would never allow him to beg anything, perhaps not even for Loki, in old times, and if Thor could endure sure a enormous change, so could he. Between ruining or restarting his life, Loki would rather try the second, even if it failed.

"Brother, brother, must you always frighten me with your tricks?" Thor said, finally putting him down and holding his face with tenderness. Loki smiled again, tapping him on shoulder over the metal.

"Eternally." The slender man was calm now, with no trace of the hurricane his mind went through. Thor smiled at him as if they were children again, innocent and unaware of their destiny and Loki felt a peace he hadn't felt since discovering his true origin. Perhaps just as Thor was not a slayer, he was not a monster. He held his brother's neck and winked. "Now give us a kiss!"

Thor laughed and pushed him away only to grab his shoulders and pull him close again. Steve was keeping himself from jumping in the air and kicking, smiling quietly. To see Loki finding his brother, accepting his love, and appreciating his efforts was almost too good to be true.

"At last we settled this hideous misunderstanding," Thor said, not crying anymore, but smiling harder than before. Loki glared at the soldier, looking joyful. "Now you can come home and take your place at my side."

The smile in the trickster's face faded so slowly that Steve couldn't understand how Thor didn't notice. Fury cleared his throat and stood up, pressing his hands over the desk.

"Well, good thing you solved your personal problems, but the fact is, Loki is a human on Earth as a punishment for his crimes, Thor." The blond god let his brother go and turned to the older man suspiciously.

"Yes. My father punished him, stripping him of his powers and his godly form. I may offer him all of it back. Must I remind you that now I am the rightful ruler of Asgard, King, and brother of his?"

Nick smiled ironically. "Must I remember you he killed dozens of people, defied your father's authority, invaded Earth without his permission, and tried to give humankind to a group of vicious aliens?" Loki gulped, worried.

Thor approached the desk holding his wish to wield his hammer. "You are a brave and honored man, Colonel Fury. However I shall not tolerate your attempt to command me or command my decisions regarding my family." Nick raised his eyebrows high in the forehead and Steve sensed a storm.

"I don't believe he is trying to command you," he said, getting closer to the desk, his voice calm and serious. "As I don't believe that Thor has forgotten Loki's past crimes." Thor's blue eyes turned to the soldier and he relaxed his arms. His hand was hovering over the hammer hilt.

"You are correct, Captain. Nevertheless I have reasons to believe my brother suffered enough to learn the lesson my father intended for him. Is my wish to give him back his godly powers and take him home." Everyone in the room felt different degrees of the same impression: Thor was once again being precipitated. Nick opened his mouth to reply, but another voice went faster.

"It is not my wish, though," Loki said, stepping closer, and his brother goggled at him. His face was determined and hard and his fists were firmly closed. "Asgard is not my home, as it has never been. I despise their people as much as they despise me, Thor. Fool yourself no longer, I am hated perhaps more in your kingdom than in Midgard." Thor's lips trembled as his face tensed with angst.

"How come you... Brother, there is no other place for you. Do not tell me you intend to..."

"I intend not to return to Asgard, nothing else." The dark-haired man looked to the ground. "No other intentions lie in my words. I will not return to a place whose bigger accomplishment was making me believe I was a failure." His deep eyes faced Thor again and the blond man was shaking his head, his face getting angry.

"You belong at my side, you belong at Asgard, brother. I-"

"You do not tell me where I belong." Loki replied, feeling rage flush his face. "Is this the manner you wish to conduct me? Is this the motive of your return? To tie a chain around my neck and drag me to wherever you want me to go?"

"You speak nonsense!" the ruler of Asgard shouted, and the two agents darted to the back of the room automatically. "I want you to return to home to live as you wish, to be loved as you should."

"Loved? I knew no love in Asgard but yours, such a troubled one. I knew scorn and perfidy... lust at the best, but not love. I am best loved here." Steve closed his eyes a moment, praying to not to flush, to not be stared by anyone and for once, his prayer was answered. Thor couldn't take his eyes from his brother, looking absolutely discontented, Loki was defiantly confronting him and Fury and the agents were too worried about an Asgardian fight in the tiny room.

The god of thunder broke the eye contact and faced the floor for several minutes. They stood all in silence, expecting, trying to prepare themselves for a explosion. But the huge god only glared his brother again and spoke, sounding defeated.

"Must you face the choice, would you choose Midgard over Asgard, brother? Truly?" His eyes were somewhat sad, Loki noticed. It was not enough; nothing would ever be enough to convince him to return.

"Yes. Not for love or worship, but for it has proved a better place than your kingdom. As you must know, I also have not the greater range of options as a human." Loki smiled a ironic smile, waving his hand casually. He truly and deeply wanted his powers back, but not at the price of being locked in Asgard. He knew he could find another way of making Thor end his punishment without going back to the place he hated most.

"I have power to change this, as you know," Thor said, approaching his brother again, sad but willing to amend their relationship as best he could. "If that is your wish."

"I think, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, that it's a little bit too soon to make this decision," Fury interrupted again, this time with a more prudent tone in his voice. It actually seemed a fucking terrible idea, but he had to do his best to convince Thor in a nice and rational way. When Thor turned again to face him, he was relieved in see it worked.

"I admit I know not how much time has passed in Midgard. Time is relative in dimensions and planets and I believe Loki has been here long enough, perhaps too long."

"We understand you wanting to stay in peace with your brother and rule Asgard, but..." Nick made a face, trying to find the right words, but ended up saying what he meant honestly. "We don't really know if Loki is to be trusted. Not yet, and maybe not ever. The thought that all he's doing is another trick to gain his powers back and retake his plans hasn't crossed your mind?"

Thor wasn't happy in hearing that but Loki placed a hand on his brother's shoulder and tapped his armor.

"You cannot discredit his reasons, brother. Have you forgot I was the God of Lies?" Loki asked playfully but there was nothing playful in the way the thunder god looked at him.

"I find hard to believe upon such a chance. You tasted human existence and it has not pleased you more than being a god. Would you commit the mistake of suffering it again or perhaps even worse punishments?" Thor was deadly serious and Loki shook his head.

"No..."

"But he could," Nick said, sitting in his black chair again. "You can't deny it. Rogers," he said suddenly, making the soldier glance at him quickly. "You have been with Loki all this time. Do you think it is a good idea just give him everything back now?"

All the people in the room turned eyes upon Steve and he flushed in anxiety. Loki was staring at him too, looking placid, as if he didn't care for the answer. He had to refresh all the memories of the past months in a second to formulate a honest yet careful answer.

"I think there are several factors to be analyzed, not only about human safety but also regarding Loki's and Thor's futures." Thor seemed slightly disappointed while Loki's expression remained the same.

"In other words, your answer is no?" Nick insisted. He trusted the opinion of his captain, until a certain point – as he trusted everything else.

"Yes. My answer is no," Steve confirmed, feeling a bit guilty, not looking to his mate. It was hard to admit that even for himself. Nick smiled in satisfaction and turned to the Asgardian king again.

"You see, Captain Rogers has been with Loki since he came to Earth, I trust his judgment better than mine own in this matter."

Thor sighed and walked a circle in the room impatiently before replying, "Only one thing stops me from holding my brother and returning to my kingdom to grant him his godly form and such thing is his own will, not yours or the Captain's judgment." He ran his hand in his own hair and finally sat into one of the chairs in front of Nick's desk. "We must solve this matter."

The two agents whispered something between them and Steve used the chance to get closer to Loki, still hesitant because of his answer; his heart seemed to melt a litlle when the ex-god walked closer too, smiling slightly. He wanted badly to touch Loki somehow, somewhere, even a simple touch on his shoulder, but refrained himself.

One of the agents dressed in black approached Nick and whispered something in his ear, looking too afraid to stare at any of them, let alone to speak loudly. The older man nodded and considered for some moments.

"Can you give Loki limited powers?" he asked, and Thor soon replied.

"No. There is not such a thing as choosing powers and abilities to concede or take from one." He placed his hands over the desk and played with them nervously. Loki was thinking of a solution for the impasse and it was more complicated than he predicted, especially finding a way to not sound like he wanted his powers for a secret purpose.

"I have an idea. It may not be the best but we're obviously lacking ideas here, good or bad." Nick spoke again to the three men in front of him. "Loki is a recovering enemy, if I can put it this way. He's not the first and hopefully won't be the last. So I suggest we put him through exactly the same thing we put all of our dangerous potential allies though."

"Which would be...?" Loki asked, too anxious to hold it and Nick almost smiled to him.

"Closer evaluation. So far you have been monitored and helped, not tested. A closer evaluation can show what is the better decision to make regarding your future." The trickster was starting to dislike the thing. He gulped again, feeling a knot in his stomach; it was hard to imagine something worse than leaving his life under someone else's control again. He closed his eyes remembering how he apparently never had any control of anything.

"You suggest to watch and observe him and later decide if he is still a threat?" Thor asked frowning, and the other man nodded.

"Precisely. We can also submit him to some tests to verify the truth of his intentions; all harmless, I assure you." Steve wondered if that was what SHIELD did to Hawkeye and the Black Widow as well. It seemed like a reasonable idea but none of them were considered gods of lies. What could assure them that Loki wasn't deceiving them all? The soldier shook his head to scare away those thoughts.

"Am I the only one who find this honestly disturbing?" Loki said, putting his hands on his hips. "I am here. You are discussing my future whilst I stand three steps away." Something in his expression made Nick want to laugh, but he kept his face serious.

"Unfortunately you put yourself in this position. Also, you are free to leave the room anytime you want."

Loki gritted his teeth and turned around."Good. As I have no voice in this, I will withdraw. Please anounce your decision when you reach one."

Steve wanted to go after him but his sense kept him inside the room. Both Thor and Fury were too biased, each one for their own reasons; for as much as the soldier was not imparcial either, he was still better fit to judge Loki's behaviour.

Loki closed the door, slamming it and Nick rubbed his eye, waving to Steve to sit too. He obeyed, feeling tension spread itself along his body. It was about Loki's future they would talk, his life, his decisions. It was like a terrible weight over the soldier's shoulders.

"Evaluation, you said," he said, trying to continue the subject, and Nick nodded.

"Yes. Observation and evaluation monitored by our psychiatrists and behavioral specialists."

Thor considered the proposal. "It does not seem a bad idea. Harmless, it must be." The thunder god nodded to himself. All he wanted was to see his brother safe and happy, far away from motives to revenge himself again. Perhaps he was right in wishing to live in Midgard, if Asgard would only bring him hatred and poison his heart again.

"Yes. Loki is not a threat in his human form, so we have no reasons to be a threat to him. On the opposite, it is better to keep him close to our agency than distant," Nick continued calmly and Steve took a deep breath.

"Where? If he's not a threat, are there reasons to keep him here in SHIELD's base for the evaluation? What is the standard procedure?" the soldier questioned and the other man smiled.

"There isn't one. Every case is a case, every person is evaluated under different circumstances. I believe Loki will feel oppressed if we kept him here and this will seriously affect his behavior."

Steve agreed. Being beaten by SHIELD's agents would certainly do no good to Loki either, but he kept that to himself.

"We can send you two home and count on your reports and in tech surveillance to observe him, although that's not the best thing to do."

"For what reason?" Thor questioned, frowning again. He then looked at the soldier confused. "You and my brother do not get along?" Steve was starting to answer when Fury cut him off.

"They do. Too much, in fact, that's the problem."

The blond soldier held his breath.  _Does he know?_  he asked himself terrified, feeling his neck burn, eyes locked on the mahogany desk.  _Are there cameras in our rooms?_ He could not bring himself to look at Fury again but the man didn't seemed to care. "And it is highly advisable that more than one person observe the subject."

One of the quiet agents approached Fury again and inclined to whisper but the man told him to just speak out loud. He seemed to shake as the words came of of his mouth.

"I was going to suggest the Stark Tower. There's plenty of high technology surveillance already installed there that's available for SHIELD. And Bruce Banner have been there for a while, I believe it would be-"

"A terrible idea." Steve couldn't help but interrupt the man, his eyebrows almost together. "Loki and Banner in the same environment?"

Nick looked at him. "Do you believe Loki would try to make the Hulk surface only for fun?"

"No," the soldier quickly replied. "But it is the most likely thing to happen anyway. How can you predict how Stark and Banner will behave around Loki and how it would affect the doctor?"

"We can't. But is Loki's reactions that must be tested and analyzed. Would he enjoy the idea of releasing the Hulk? Would he consider the consequences of his words around Stark and Dr. Banner? And you cannot forget that Banner is capable of controlling himself if not triggered." Nick had a spark in his eyes and when he scratched his chin looking at the ceiling, Steve knew it was done, the decision was already made. He sighed and crossed his arms annoyed with the idea.

"I wish I could remain here, but I have new duties as King," Thor spoke, getting up, and Steve did the same. "I approve of the idea for I have no other option. As long as no harm comes to my brother, you will have my support." He extended his hand to Nick and they exchanged a hand shake; the god then turned to Steve and embraced him. "I appreciate your acts towards Loki, Captain. I know you are most honored and you must have some impact in my brother's reconsiderations."

Steve smiled at him honestly. "Your brother is not a monster, he chose to reconsider his life. But I do what I can to take good care of him." Thor smiled briefly too and held Steve for some moments before let him go.

"May you show me his quarters? I must bid farewell before I leave." Steve nodded and as Thor left the room, he glanced at Nick for the last time.

"Stark Tower, is it?" Nick was tapping his fingertips in the desk, drowned in his thoughts. He raised his eye to the soldier.

"Yes, it is." Steve blinked, saying goodbye, waved to the other agents, and proceeded to the corridor to meet Thor and return to Loki's room. He felt exhausted and feared that the hard times were just beginning, hoping for the opposite.


	6. Reasons to Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for taking so long! I'm afraid I have no idea where this fic is going... But I like it so much, my Stoki baby. <3 Hope you like this chapter and thank you for your feedback.

"Come on, the car will pick us up in two hours." Steve said opening a bigger bag. He had stuffed the things he brought from SHIELD and was chasing in the bedroom more clothing and more important things to take to the Stark Tower.

"I know. This means we must make good use of our time." Loki replied at his side and the blond thought he was going to grab the suitcase next to him, but he ripped the bag from his hands and pushed him into the wall. Steve didn't had the chance of asking what that meant before the other man kiss him and press himself upon his body. He used all of his will power to push Loki away, dizzy by the surprise attack.

"What...? We have to-" Loki's hand entered his shirt and touched his belly. "To grab the useful things and more clothes because..." His wet lips touched Steve's neck and he shivered, losing his strength. "Loki..."

"I am dying to finish what we have started." The ex-god whispered in his skin opening the buttons of his shirt one by one, without hurry. Steve wondered if he would ever get used to that feeling, to the dozens of feelings Loki provoked in him, and if he could ever say no. "We spent all this days sleeping apart for your fear of being watched and you believe in Stark Tower will be different?"

"To be honest I didn't thought about it." He replied letting his hands caress Loki's hair and the back of his neck. He loved that silky raven hair, always smelling like shampoo, always soft in his fingers. Steve was too worried thinking in all the terrible problems that could happen with the interaction of a megalomaniac billionaire, a potentially destroyer and a wicked trickster to think about how much privacy they would have.

"Well, I did. In the much likely possibility that we will be watched all the time, how will we have our private fun?" Loki asked moving the shirt away and slipping it until bare Steve's shoulders. He had not been angry with his answer about if he should have his powers back. Steve was a intelligent man, intelligent enough to learn that no one could not be easily trusted... Yet he didn't lost his faith in Loki and it was good to know someone still had faith in him.

His long fingers traveled in the soldier's chest while he went for a kiss. The annoying bandage was removed that morning and his nose still felt strange, but it looked basically like before and did not ached anymore. All of it just made the kiss better and Loki gave himself into Steve's arms completely.

Something inside the soldier's mind said the other man was right; how could he feel comfortable to stay with Loki in a place where the walls not only had eyes, but voice too? Would he have to choose between the intimate moments with the ex-god and his secret?  _One more problem to worry about,_  Steve thought, deepening the kiss and feeling Loki melt in his arms,  _I guess I'll worry later._

Since Fury's insinuation Steve wondered what exactly he was doing with Loki, where the hell that would go and why he enjoyed the other man's presence so much. He didn't have answers to any of his doubts and found solace in remembering that lots of things happened in his life had no explanation or logic. Perhaps Loki was just one of them.

He held Loki squeezing him and this time, the fingers of the other man held his blond locks. Steve could feel the volume in Loki's pants pressing his hips and couldn't help but think of why the other man seemed to need sexual contact more than he did. He wanted it, he wanted Loki, but not that much, not all the time. The problems in his mind were the ones to blame? The ex-god thrusted his hips and Steve moaned, forgeting his line of thought.

"It is amusing how you pass from 'not caring' to 'really wanting' in a fraction of time." Loki broke the kiss and chuckled, feeling Steve getting hard. He found adorable when the other man blushed and tried to make it happen often. "Hold my rear." He whispered watching Steve open his eyes and blush more.

"What?" Loki laughed at the surprised man, tracing circles with his fingertips in Steve's head.

"Grab my ass, as you humans says." The soldier laughed nervously too and obeyed, placing his hands over Loki's ass lightly. The ex-god rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean, Steve. Hold it as if your life depended on it." Steve laughed again, closed his eyes in embarassment and held Loki's buttocks as he wanted, making him moan softly. "Now is better. Remember we don't have much time."

They kissed again and Steve spent some seconds thinking what he was suppose to do with his hands til Loki thrust once more; he tightened his grip instinctively and pressed Loki hard against his own hips. Steve merged again in the sea of feeling and desires the dark-haired man made him feel and left his arousement silence his troubled thoughts.

Loki pulled and caressed the fair hair under his hands inquietly. His desire was increasing as the days passed by without a chance to be with him and now he truly needed to soothe it. He craved for the soldier in a irrational way; he wanted his words, his glances, his smiles and his moans. Loki wanted everything and it felt wonderful to want something he actually could have.

His erection was hard over Steve's pants and Loki realised he wanted so many things he didn't really knew what to do. He broke the kiss a second and took his own blouse away pulling it up only to press himself onto Steve the faster he could; the contact between their skins made both men moan. Everything about Steve felt delicious.

Loki kissed his cheek and stopped in his neck, licking and biting it hungrily. He wished he could devour the other man and he smiled to himself thinking that in a certain way, he could. His hands traveled in the warm skin of Steve's torso up and down, stroking and holding him, his hips still rocking in a steady pace with the soldier's hands helping to keep the pace, firmly holding him.

It took Loki a lot of effort to trail down his kisses in the blond's chest, disconnecting their hips and going down slowly. Steve didn't realised what his mate was doing until he tried to reach his buttocks again and couldn't; only then he opened his eyes and looked to the man kissing his abs and slipping down. His tense face made Loki smiled again.

"Be aware this is the only situation on which I knee willingly." Steve was shaking his head trying to say no, but no words came out as Loki opened his belt and his pants. The blond man closed his eyes firmly, red as a beet, trying to cope with what was about to happen. He couldn't find the strength to say no despite the fact that seemed wrong. "Look at me." Loki murmured pulling the pants down abruptely. Steve pressed his lips together before opening his eyes.

"Why?" He whispered, the question fitting in a lot of doubts. The eyes of the other man, dark as a night's forest, seemed to drown in his mind and he smiled full of malice pulling down Steve's underwear as well.

"Why not?" He held the other's hardness never breaking eye contact.

"I don't know." Steve replied feeling his stomach flinch. "I don't... It wasn't supposed to be this way." The expression on Loki's face changed and it was exactly what Steve needed to step to the side and pull his clothes up. "I'm sorry, I swear, I don't..." The other man stood up confused while the soldier closed his pants and buttoned his shirt again, not looking to his face.

"What happened? What was not supposed to be this way?" Loki grabbed his blouse and put it again, genuinely worried, especially because the blond went back to packing his bag without looking in his face. "Steve?"

No answer again. Even afraid of a unknown reaction Loki placed his hands in the soldier's face and made him look at his eyes, holding him tenderly. To his surprise the clear eyes of his mate were shiny, more than the usual, and Loki realised he had never seen Steve cry.

"Dear, what is the matter?" He said sincerely only noticing the gentle word after it scaped his lips. Steve stared the floor and gulped before answering. Not even he knew entirely what was the matter so it would be a hard task to explain it.

"This... Is not what I wanted." Finally he looked into Loki's eyes wishing he could just transmit the disorder of feelings in his heart through his eyes. Obviously he couldn't and the other man looked lost.

"I cannot understand it." Loki replied with a horrid sensation in his chest. It felt like if his heart was shrinking, physically aching, and he brushed his thumbs on the blond's face trying to make the sensation go away. Steve's eyes shifted to the ground again.

"This. I wanted to help you, to offer you a chance to understand this world and maybe help me to understand it too. But now I understand even less because this, what we are doing, it..." He licked his lips and gathered courage to stare Loki. "I don't know what this is." The ex-god made a sad face.

"To be quite honest, I do not know either." He watched Steve's lips quiver.

"You see, that you was going to do, it wasn't... It looked like lust, simply. And that's not what I want." Steve got away from Loki's hands and sat on the bed, elbows upon knees, buring his face in his hands. It was hard to breath and even harder to speak.

Loki stood there with that hideous feeling even stronger inside his chest and felt shocked when he reached the conscience that it was fear.  _What do I fear?_  He sat beside his mate and locked his own fingers, sighing.

"I am an obsolete man." Suddenly the voice of the soldier echoed in the room and Loki looked at him, not being corresponded. Steve was facing the sky beyond the glass window. "As well as I can accept the idea of a black man and a white woman, I can accept two women and two men together, even if one of them is me. Everyone is entitled to love." The man took a long and deep breath and covered his face again. "But love is different than this."

"Mayhaps..." The slender man said softly. "I cannot assure you. I never loved and I have never been loved romantically." Steve finally glared him, his eyes gleaming again. He seemed sunk in distress.

"It can't be this. It can't be awkward touches in urgency, it can't stay hiding, lying, worring, it can't..."

"And caring, as when you worry about me? And pleasing, as when I cook for you?" Loki asked honestly, wondering if he was treating Steve too coldly, keeping a emotional distance the other man didn't deserve to suffer. He also didn't knew what to do, but he truly didn't want to lose his... Lover? He didn't even knew how to love, but he hoped maybe he could learn. "Why cannot this become love?"

"I..." Steve analyzed unconsciously the emotions surfacing in Loki's face and for some strange reason, he felt better. "I never said it can't become love." Loki smiled trying to control himself, despite knowing he had lost control of everything, including his softened heart, long time ago.

"Then why are we having this discussion?" The soldier stood up again and returned to pack his clothing and his important objects, recomposing himself. For some reason he refrained from the wish of kissing Loki and holding him again and only answered softly.

"Because whatever it is now, I don't like it very much." Loki knew he couldn't move, although he didn't tried. He simply watched Steve grab several things, from shoes to pictures, and stuff in the bags silently.  _Cannot I have what I want once?,_ he though bitterly.  _Cannot I love and be loved purely, ever?_

He used all his forces to stand up, get the suitcase and help the soldier. In less than an hour the car sent by Stark was honking in front of the building and they left carrying the few they had without exchanging a single word.

* * *

"Welcome to my humble residence!" Tony said smiling and Loki was not sure if his tone of voice or his smile were the one to blame, but he wanted to punch him in the face and laugh at the same time. Except for that, he felt pretty excited about his new temporary home.

"Welcome." Pepper, on opposite, didn't seemed so happy. She hugged and kissed Steve and refrained when she had to face Loki. He offered his hand.

"Thank you for receiving me here." She looked him from top to bottom and accepted his offer going for a handshake, but he grabbed her delicated hand and kissed it bowing slightly. She left out a tiny courtesy smile but quickly pulled her hand back and stepped away from him. It was better than a spit in his face, he supposed.

"We will show you with time all the rooms, the kitchens, the balconies and the little pleasures I have to offer to you. This floor will be yours, the one under this one are being occupied by Bruce and I share another with Pepper. A private one, so no one will witness ours... Well, I'm forbidden to talk." He smiled again and grabbed a glass over a marble little table. The place was incredible huge and luxurious with signs of gold everywhere and the famous Stark high technology coming from each corner. "Jarvis?"

"Yes, sir?" A male voice came out of nowhere and Loki looked up, surprised. "I see your guests are here. Welcome, Mr. Rogers, not so welcome, Mr. Laufeyson." He stared Steve and the blond man smiled slightly.

"Jarvis, please, refrain from judging our guests. I opened my house for them and you will be a very important part of their time here." Loki was still looking puzzled and Tony chuckled. "Jarvis is the soul of my home. He is the one who all knows, all sees and sometimes all speaks."

"I see. Well, hello, Jarvis." The dark-haired man spoke to the air, finding that really strange. The house had a soul, a voice? Was it sorcery? Had the human's technology gone that far?

"At least you are somewhat polite." Jarvis replied and Loki smiled, starting to like Jarvis.  _What a irritant and ironic soul._

"So, if you don't mind to answer, why is Dr. Banner here?" Steve questioned following Tony across the place. They passed for a huge kitchen, a dinning room and another one with a piano in the middle. Everything seemed to have exactly what the soldier feared most: buttons, lights and a colorful display.

"We are science bros, Cap. We are brilliant, we have great ideas and we... Well, I am rich. We are trying to change the world, one atom at time." Steve just nodded feeling the scent of alchool that Tony left behind while he spoke.  _Pepper must really love him, really,_  he thought, because if Tony alone was not easy to love, his drinking problem were even worse in Steve's opinion.

"Speaking of Dr. Banner, he is coming up to this floor, sir." The soldier frowned. Something in the back of his mind was buzzing like a siren and he was awfully afraid of the confront since the day he knew of the possibility, but the time had not soothed it. Tony didn't stop walking and they followed him.

"Alright, tell him were we are, Jarvis." Finally they arrived at what seemed to be the end of the place: a wall with five beautiful encarved wooden doors and Tony opened two of them, waving for his guests. "There you have, your rooms."

Both rooms were equally astonishing, huge and great; guests rooms obviously made for much nore fitting guests than a genetic mutated soldier and a former wicked god. Loki smiled going in one of them and placing his bag next to the door.

"Uh, Stark, may you clarify something?" He asked trying to sound polite and Tony just waved again. "There are surveillance inside my quarters also?" The billionaire opened a malicious grin, putting his hands on his waist.

"Yes, but I assure you we are not interested in your... Intimacy. Although everything must be recorded and saved, we have better things to do than watching you doing whatever Asgardian kinks you plan to." His face made Loki think that maybe the SHIELD wouldn't, but he would be very curious to watch his Asgardian kinks, whatever that actually meant. The slender man just nodded and Tony left, going for Steve.

"My room will be monitored as well?" He asked quietly placing his bag over his bed and opening it. "I won't lie, I dislike the idea." Tony closed the door at his back and stared the blond man seriously.

"You are not the subject here, he is. Every corner of this building is under surveillance but you can deactivate the recordings of this room and reactivate anytime. Just ask Jarvis and he'll see to it." The man walked closer and Steve watcher the reactor shining in his chest through his green T-shirt. Tony stared him with a rare severity. "Cap, tell me honestly, scientific experiment to scientific experiment. Do you think Loki can be redeemed?"

Steve opened his mouth only to close it again. He did believed, with all his heart, but he knew Loki was no angel. Redemption perhaps was a word too strong for his liking. As the man had said himself, his nature remained the same and he could acquire new vile objectives in the future. For more the idea hurted Steve, it was still true.

"I trust he left behind the reasons to do what he has done." Tony smirked.

"But do you think if he find new motives, he might done his helmet and do it all again?" The soldier gulped, staring the floor.

"I don't know. You see, he had nothing to lose and a lot to prove. Now he has nothing to prove, at least."

"Maybe we should see that he find something to lose, something to care about. Maybe a cat?" Steve stared the other man again and smiled with the idea. "Loki seems a cat's person." Tony sat on the bed. "Tell me about him. He's in my home, I have the right to know who he is now."

* * *

Bruce walked across the floor smiling slightly. He couldn't deny he was dying to see this new human Loki, see his behaviour and his acts. Rumor has it that he was quite changed, in truce with Thor again and friends with the Captain. As a good scientist, his curiosity was bigger than his precaution.

Jarvis told him they were at the guest rooms and he found a closed door and a open one with his object of study inside, undoing his bag in front of a wardrobe. Loki had not seeing him as he walked silently into the room and stopped against the knocker.

"Hi." He spoke and Loki literally jumped and flinched, turning to face his visitor. His breath was uneven at the shock and his eyes scrutinized Bruce before he could react properly.

"Hello." His voice sounded melodious and Bruce smiled as Loki tried to recompose himself. They stood there in silence, staring each other, and the dark-haired man had no idea of what he should say next. Bruce looked like he was enjoying that.

"So Steve and you are the new guests of the Stark Tower." He asked slowly and Loki shrugged.

"Yes..." The silence returned. Bruce's eyes ran up and down the ex-god observing his ill fitting clothes, his skinny hands, his posture, his breath. Loki was trying his best to look calm but anyone could see how uncomfortable he felt. His mind was processing the shock and looking for the right words. Should he force an apology or act pridefully? He was not expecting a confront so soon.

"I just wanted to make clear that I don't hate you personally or anything like that. Yeah, it was pretty nasty to try to take the Earth and all but... No harsh feelings on a personal level, you know." Bruce shove his hands in the pockets souding as if he was talking about the weather. Loki waved his hand.

"I... I..." The knot was still in his throat and the words wouldn't come out; he hated to stammer and sighed, staring the floor. "I... I appreciate. Nor do I have vile sentiments regarding y-you, Dr. Banner." Loki closed his eyes and cursed himself in his mind.  _He scared me,_  he thought,  _I am unbalanced because of it._

"Are you afraid of me?" Bruce asked directly, staring the other man's eyes. This time Loki did not hesitated to answer.

"No, I respect you, at best." The eyebrows of the scientist went high in his forehead and the ex-god smiled slightly, being followed by Bruce's own smile. He was honestly surprised for both of answers.

"Why?" Loki licked his lips and crossed his arms. He was not afraid of the doctor nor from the Hulk, it was true, for he learned the hard way Bruce could control Hulk's actions in a certain level and as long as he did not teased him, he would not be hurted. He did not planned, however, to say he respected the other man and the inquire of a explanation.

"I believe... Maybe..." Loki felt suddenly tired, horribly tired, the weight of the prior events taking its toll on his shoulders. He thought of Steve's sad face, Thor laughing and crying, the sweet but poisonous voice of Black Widow saying they would never trust him. They didn't trusted Bruce neither for a long time too, Loki was sure. Natasha certainly represented an enormous threat before passing for the evaluation. But somehow they succeeded, they all succeeded, and now it was Loki Laufeyson time to be tested. It was his time to discover if he was truly fated to be a failure.

Bruce was pretty sure that the slender man was not aware of how much time he was drowned in silence. The phrase cut in half only made him more curious and he eventually stepped inside the room and closed the door softly, bringing Loki back to situation. The ex-god took a deep breath and closed his fists.

"You are two men in one, Dr. Banner. You are an intelligent man and a frightning creature at the same. Somehow you have learned how to cope with both and live your life, you have earned respect and..." All of his words were coming out so abruptely he didn't planned his whole speech and stopped in the middle of it feeling idiot. Loki locked his lips in a tight line while Bruce nodded his head.

"I'm part monster, yes. And it took me much more time to accept and cope with it than you can even imagine. But in the end I had to accept the other guy because, you know, I can't get rid of him. There's no me without him and there's no him without me." The doctor scratched his head planning his words. He was aware of the story of Loki's adoption and his nature and he certainly knew how it felt to be a monster, even when he wanted to be a good man. "But the point is, although we can't exist without each other, we are not the same person. And to be honest I'm a hyperbole of everyone out there... We all have a monster inside us, but we can choose to not be him, to not live his life. We can't kill him but we may not be him fulltime. It's our choice."

Loki's eyes were staring Bruce's in a complete and choking silence, not even his breath making noise. Unlike him the doctor couldn't even control his monster perfectly but he could, though; he had the power to not live as the monster parents tell their children at night, he realising opening a unconscient smile. He wanted to live as Loki more than he wanted to live as Laufeyson. Perhaps just as Bruce, he could cast the Frost Giant away and remain being the sagacious trickster whose objective in life was pure amusement. After so long mourning his rancors and regretable decisions Loki pondered he could give a try to live as his old self.

"Yes... Perhaps it is." The dark-haired man replied and despite the fact that Bruce was not the best body-language reader of all times, he found obvious that Loki wanted to believe that.  _We all want_ , he though, opening the door at his back.

"I'm the living proof it is." Bruce smiled one last time to Loki but bumped right into Steve's chest went he tried to leave the room. He stepped back embarassed and accepted the blond's extended hand. "Hello, Captain."

"Good to see you, Dr. Banner." Steve's eyes were bloodshot and he had a terrified look in his face, badly attempting to hide it. He looked from Bruce to Loki nervously. "I see you found Loki." Bruce smiled sadly realising the issue.

"Yes, Cap. We actually had a pleasant conversation. Calm yourself." His smile died as he left the strong hand go. Steve blushed, feeling bad for some moments. Bruce was not an uncontrollable vicious man, he knew it, but his fear was bigger anyway. Bruce walked away talking something to Tony and the two of them were alone again.

Steve stepped inside slowly, closing the door again and standing in front of it perfectly still. His mate had a strange look in his face, somewhat distant and serious. He was surprised when Loki spoke and looked in his eyes.

"Are you relieved now? We did not blast each other." His lips opened and closed but Steve only nodded. He was feeling a hurricane of different emotions, not knowing if he was regretful of the morning conversation, if he did the right thing or what he should do next. He really liked Loki, despite of anything, and feared the man did not liked him the same; he wanted Loki's feelings, not only his lust. In the end the blond still didn't knew what they had.

"I worry about you and him, that's all. I worry about everyone." He shook his shoulders and Loki blinked, smiling without joy.

"I am certain I said this before, but you still worry too much. Perhaps it's time we have some fun, as young people say." He started walking across the room in Steve's direction and the man tensed up, aware they were being recorded and unaware of what the other man planned to do. Loki walked closer until his body was almost touching Steve's and placed his lips next to his ear whispering. "Now, please..." Steve's face was stone, his eyes open and his arms tensed at his sides. Loki smiled sincerely this time. "Can you free the door? I want to go out." Steve gasped coming out of the way and Loki left chuckling at him.

He watched the ex-god walk away with his face flushed, glad for the apparent peace between Loki and the others but understanding even less about their strange relationship and Loki's plans to the future.


	7. One Happy Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh sorry it took me so long to update, sorry! Hope you like it!

For reasons unknown to Steve, Loki and Bruce were getting along well. Most of the time Tony was locked up in the "science floor" as he called it with his "science bro". This science thing annoyed him a little bit but it was usually okay at lunch and dinner since that was when Bruce would come to join them and eat together. God be blessed when it was finally peaceful.

However that was only on some days, which meant they still had plenty of time to get in trouble. Things between him and Loki remained unsolved and none of them had made a move to talk or took part in any physical contact. It was a strange kind of feeling, to miss someone they looked everyday, to be so close and feel so apart.

Loki was at that moment frying eggs and making pancakes for them, Bruce in the sink messing with the electronic panel of the dishwasher and Steve in his right of being away from it, putting some cups in the table. He seemed the only one deep in his thoughts.

"Steve, would you mind getting me more sugar in that locker?" Loki asked nicely while he poured milk in the pancake mixture. Steve was proceeding to the locker pointed but Bruce was quicker.

"I'll get it, I'm closer." His hand was halfway the door when Loki's voice sounded.

"No!" Steve turned his attention just to see it was already too late. A trap made with a strategically positioned plastic cup full of milk was poured over Bruce's head in the second his hand opened the door and Loki seemed frozen between laugh and piss himself, his lips trembling uncontrollably and his hands forgetting their task. He looked completely terrified.

The blond was honestly sharing the feeling, unable to see Bruce's face for seconds that seemed years. His mind was already thinking of grabbing Loki, taking him out of here and coming back to try to help Bruce regain his self-control.

But as the scientist turned, his laugh sounded in the kitchen and his face was all wet from milk dripping from curly hair. Loki finally laughed too, a tense and choking laugh at first, being followed by Steve who chuckled only to not stay in silence.

"You little bastard!" Bruce spit taking off his jacket. He was all ruined by the milk and he knew if he did not stripped and shower soon he was going to stink all over the place.

"It was not supposed to be you, Dr. Banner." The trickster replied wiping tears from his eyes. "Steve was my intended victim."

Bruce pointed him a finger pretending to be dead serious. "I paid for your sins, then. I will have my revenge, you just wait, both of you." Steve was calmer and he walked closer to the doctor and patted his wet shoulder as he followed to one of the bathrooms, dripping milk in the way.

"I'm sorry, and I accept your revenge. I'll get you some clean clothes and hang it on the door handle." Bruce thanked him and went into the bathroom still smiling. He honestly could not remember the last time he got into a prank because everyone was always too scared from trying anything like it around him. Tony was already a nice change; always treating him just as acidly as he treated everyone else, not worrying every second and apparently Loki was pretty close from doing it himself. It felt wonderful to be treated like a normal person, despite the fact he wasn't and was never going to be one.

Steve rushed to get the clean change of clothing and as he returned, the floor was already clean, some sort of technology doing the job on it's own. He left the clothing in the door handle as promised and returned to the kitchen where the dark-haired man was peacefully eating his breakfast at the table.

"I don't even know the reason I should get angry at you since there are many." He said with a stubborn smile on his face. Loki grinned grabbing another pancake from the pile freshly fried.

"Why? You were not the victim and the victim has no complaints, as far as I know. You may also be interested in knowing that a small object came out from under the stove and cleaned the milk from the floor by itself. It's unnecessary to say I nearly fainted." The soldier laughed picturing the scene and his mate continued. "Which reminds me of the fact we both have a great amount of learning to do regarding modern technology and we are in the perfect place to do so."

The soldier nodded sitting too, pouring his coffee in a cup and grabbing some eggs. They had learned a little about technology in the television but it was still far away from the current way of living and in a place surrounded by all the kinds of tricks that had not reached the main population, Steve felt like curling in a ball and pretending he was still in the 40's.

"Yeah." He moaned unexcited and used the food as excuse to stay quiet. Loki's eyes judged him silently but the other man did not replied. He felt somewhat hurt with the unsolved things between them but it didn't changed the fact his stupid mate would have to connect with technology sooner or later, even if he didn't wanted.

It didn't took long until Bruce showed up nearly swimming inside Steve's clothes looking strangely happy for someone who just got pranked. He joined them at the table and the three man ate quietly, except for some sparse words. Even being the last to join, Bruce was the first to finish and he washed the cup he used in the sink, ignoring the troubled dishwasher.

"Well, it was good to get a milk shower right in the morning but Tony is probably waiting for me in the lab." He had an amused look when he turned to them. "I will give back your clothing soon Steve, thanks for it. But now I must go, my people need me."

"Your people need you?" Loki questioned puzzled and the other man smiled.

"Yes... It's a joke, a meme." The eyes of the trickster were a fine line and he tilted his head like a confused dog. "Don't you know? A meme, uh, from the internet?"

The expression on Steve's face told everything Bruce needed to know and it surprised him very much. The soldier was awaken for more than a year, he should have at least some notions of the phenomenon that powered basically everything and everyone. Loki nodded swallowing before replying.

"I see. Well, neither of us are familiar with internet, in part because no one had ever taught us about it." Bruce nodded, putting his hands on the sink and supporting his body on it.

"That's really bad, because internet and IT are a massive part of our world. Maybe I could teach you two something about it..." Loki's face brightened awkwardly and Steve made a expression beyond definition, staring at his food.

"It would be marvelous." Loki replied ignoring the other. "I am certain there is much to learn about it and we both need this knowledge." Bruce nodded again and looked at the soldier, who seemed deeply concentrated in eating his food quietly. It took him some moments to connect the dots and realize apparently Loki was doing that for Steve's sake. As far as he knew, one day Thor would give him his old form back and he could just fly away from Earth to whenever planet he wished.

"We can see to it. I'll ask to Tony to bring two laptops for you this week and we can have a talk, to begin." The dark haired man agreed while Steve continued in the exact same position. He knew he was probably being rude but the idea of messing with one of that horrendous things upset him a lot, in part for fear he would be uncappable of learning. No one could truly blame him for being overwhelmed from time to time.

Bruce soon left and only the noises of forks and cups remained in the kitchen. Loki's dark eyes tried insistently to connect with Steve's with no success and in a few minutes he gave up, distressed, washed his cup and left for his quarters. He couldn't know Steve's eyes glued on his back as he made his way out nor the annoying wish the soldier had to rant and kiss him at the same time.

* * *

It was an odd sensation, to know he was being watched all the time by cameras and by that mysterious Jarvis. Sometimes Loki wondered if there was a way to read even his thoughts and smiled at himself, knowing it was folly.

Laying on his bed and watching the huge television, he could not help but to think about Steve. He missed his embraces, his words and kisses, his warm hands and red cheeks and it annoyed him quite much.  _Stupid sentimental humans,_  he thought,  _and this craving for love_. Songs about love, theatrical plays about love; apparently everything on Earth swam around love.

Loki was able to understand a good amount of things now he had spent long and endless weeks in Earth but this was hard to comprehend. With so many pleasures why did humans put such importance in love? Most of them apparently didn't even knew the true meaning of it. Perhaps rare people could be proud of knowing true love and Loki was sure he was not one of them.

But he lived all his existence without love and had not perished. Of course, what Odin and Frigga gave to him could receive the name "love" but in his conception, it couldn't be more distant from it. His lovers always amused him but love has never been near any of his affairs. Perhaps Thor would be the closest Loki had ever being of love and still, it had a bitter taste that in theory, one love was not supposed to have.

Now this damned word was ruining the most healthy and long relationship he had in life. How could he suppose to know what he should do to show Steve he deeply liked him? How the hell was he supposed to be sure if what he felt was love? Loki sighed and tucked his head onto the pillow frustrated as he felt most of his life.

_Does that fool want me to prove my sentiments?_  He thought in the back of his ming, eyes rolling at the idea. Thanks to him his good feelings were already getting sour and dark and Loki wondered how he would feel if Steve had hurt him or offended him – or even provoked him as he used to do in their first days of coexistence.

Loki found hard to imagine himself cursing and punching the other man, just as he found hard the idea of leaving Steve behind and forming a new life anywhere else. He felt good beside the soldier in a level Loki knew was past beyond friendship, he felt in peace. The ex-god smiled to himself remembering their first kiss. He felt in peace every time Steve smiled honestly to him or held his hand or ran his fingers in his hair and he really wanted to do it all again. He turned the television off.

"Jarvis?" Loki's voice came out before he could even realize it.

"May I help you, Mr. Laufeyson?" Jarvis voice echoed out of nowhere, as usual. His question jumped out from his lips.

"Do you know what is love?" It didn't took a full minute to Loki feel utterly ridiculous and regret the moment he opened his mouth, but Jarvis answered quickly, to his surprise.

"As an artificial intelligence program, I'm afraid I can't answer your question personally. But the most accurate reference to love I've heard and the one most people seem to agree is that love is when you truly know someone and you are still truly fond of them."

_You truly know someone and you are still truly fond of them,_  he repeated in his mind. He didn't truly knew Steve; he had several evidences of the kind of person the blond man was but know is different than guess. Perhaps that's what he should do, deepen his relationship with the other man. Perhaps that's what Steve wanted when he said he wanted love, not lust – to go beyond the connection of their bodies and reach a connection between their hearts. He could give it a try for more ridiculous the idea sounded.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Laufeyson?" Jarvis' voice sounded again and ripped Loki out of his thoughts.

"No, Jarvis, thank you." He spoke to the ceiling still feeling stupid for the dialog.

"You are welcome to ask any kind of strange and out of context questions you need." Loki smiled.

"Are you this annoying with everyone?" Jarvis took some seconds to reply.

"No. Only with the ones who seem to be able to get offended or amused by it. I hoped it could offend you upon your arrival but amusing is also valid." Loki laughed openly this time. "It took me some time to notice you are not under the effect of whatever drug you were last time you stepped on Stark Tower." A frown distorted Loki's face and he blinked may times before speaking.

"Drug? Such as absinthe or opium? I was not under the effect of any drug, Jarvis."

"Yes, you were, sir." Loki sat on the bed confused. "Although I admit I may have used a wrong expression. You were altered, sir, by some drug of force or disease or something I cannot comprehend."

"Why do you think that?" He replied, open mouthed in shock and astonishment. Jarvis sounded completely confident.

"Your eyes. They are dark, deep green now. At that occasion they were bright blue, with a strange sparkle, the same as Dr. Selvig when he was under your control. I believe your scepter had something to do with this once you tried to influence Mr. Stark with it and it did not worked because... Well, he doesn't have a heart. But you have. Although I cannot assure it was the scepter to blame, I find obvious that some force affected you and changed your behavior the same way it did with Dr. Selvig."

Loki stared the ground goggling some minutes before getting up and running into the bathroom. He watched his reflection and inspected his forest green eyes before running a hand through his own hair, taken by angst. Was he being manipulated by the evil energy of the scepter as well? Was he not completely responsible for his actions? A mix of anger and desperation started taking over him.

"Jarvis." Loki called with a trembling voice. "Can you show me somewhere, somehow, can you show me the recording of when I touched Stark with the scepter?"

"Yes, sir. Go back to the bedroom if you may, I will show the footage on your television." He nearly ran back to the front of the huge flat television fixed upon the wall and the seconds Jarvis took to put the footage on the screen seemed to dig inside his chest.

Then the television turned on by itself and Loki watched himself approach Tony, clad in his Asgardian armour, scepter in hand. Jarvis somehow enclosed the focus on his face and he saw there the bright sparkle he mentioned, the same sparkle that was on Hawkeye's eyes, the sparkle Selvig had after touched: a bright supernatural blue that powered his scepter in those days.

Loki gritted his teeth, nails digging in his palms as he closed fists. Jarvis showed another angle and it became even more clear; those were not his normal eyes. That was not his normal self. He felt his breakfast revolve in his stomach and threaten to come up. He was being commanded by the scepter like a servant; he murdered and had hurt people he hadn't even hated. He nearly ruined his own life because of that damned energy that transformed all his anger and hurt into mindless violence and drowned himself on it to the point of being blind yet believing he was lucid.

He allowed his shaking legs to give in and fell on the floor sitting. Jarvis turned off the television again almost like reading his thoughts and he would make sure to thank him for that when he regained the ability to speak. For those seconds Loki only felt more sick staring his own manic face.

Fighting tears in his eyes, he hugged his legs smiling. He was not, definitely not, a devil. He was being manipulated as well, the energy taking advantage of his desire to be considered great and worthy, feeding itself in his hatred and fueling his vengeance. That man wasn't entirely him and he felt nauseous and glad and horrified and amazed and more things he could even conceive at the same time.

"Jarvis...?" Loki spoke many minutes after when he found his voice again, having a yes as answer. "Have you showed this theory of yours to someone?"

"I did, sir, to Mr. Stark and by his request, to other SHIELD components." As he blinked stubborn tears trailed his cheeks, but he didn't wanted to cry anymore.

"Not to Steve or to Ms. Potts?" Jarvis took some time to answer, perhaps to find the information.

"No, sir." Loki nodded his head getting up from the floor and putting himself together again. He was insanely happy and still disgusted by the revelation and he was screaming inside like a little boy, dying to tell Steve his discover.

After drying his face and thanking Jarvis that was precisely what the ex-god did, running out of his quarters and searching the blond man in several rooms without even considering ask Jarvis where he was before finally finding him in the main kitchen making something in a mug.

"Steve!" Loki called as the soldier turned to him, surprise all over his face, and opened his arms right in time to allow Loki to jump inside of them. He held Steve with all his strength, laughing and fighting tears again; unexplained, for he was so fucking happy in the back of his mind he could never be able to explain it out loud.

"What happened?" Steve questioned hugging him back, finding odd the intensity and strength of Loki's grip. He could feel the hands at his back shaking and Loki seemed to be laughing uncontrollably, which got him more worried than happy. "Loki...?" When the trickster parted the hug only enough to face him, Steve could not believe in the huge smile stamped in Loki's face nor in the joy in his eyes.

"I may be good, I know it, I am completely sure now. I am not evil, Steve. I am not and I can prove it." Steve's lips parted and closed again and he allowed his hands to circle Loki's bright face. "The scepter was controlling me as well, perhaps with the same intensity it controlled Hawkeye and Selvig. It was not me, not entirely, maybe not half, maybe barely any of me." Steve opened his mouth again stunned at the sudden revelation and his brain didn't seemed to know where to start to process the news. "I can show you, do you want to see it?"

"Well, yes, but how do you exactly-" His phrase was interrupted by the other man grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the living room, giving him time only to catch the mug from the sink. The soldier was shoved into a leather couch having trouble to keep the tea he was making from spilling.

"Jarvis!" Loki called loud, louder than he usually spoke. "Please, show the footage to Steve!" His breath was uneven but he tried to calm himself when he sat beside the blond and glared at him still smiling. "Look at my eyes." Steve did, completely confused by how relieved Loki's eyes were. "These are my eyes. They are  _mine._ "

"Loki, you are starting to scare me." The trickster chuckled at the frown in Steve's face. He didn't answered, only watched as the television was turned on by Jarvis and got the attention from his mate, whose expression became almost funny as he stared at the moment Loki tried to corrupt Stark touching his chest with the scepter.

As he did before, Jarvis enclosed the scene in Loki's face and Steve noticed the issue immediately, his eyes widening and his whole face showing his shock. _It was the goddamn scepter,_  he thought covering his mouth with a fist unable to look away the screen,  _The fucking scepter the whole time._  After he spent some good minutes in silence, Jarvis turned off the television again and he faced his friend, still in shock.

The thrill had gone away from Loki and he now smiled calmly at the blond, playing with his hands. Steve finally came out of his stupor and smiled too, getting the mug and offering to the other.

"I am more happy for you than for the revelation itself, Loki. Part of me always knew you were not evil. And I made you a mint tea, something you never tried and I think you would like." The man spoke as if he was talking about the most casual thing in universe and Loki nodded, knowing Steve was still trying to understand and deal with all the feelings he had and their relationship.

"I know, I know you have a stubborn and senseless faith in me. But I did not shared the feeling." The tea cup was hot in his hands but he didn't cared, paying attention to his mate. "Now I do." The way Steve smiled at him would be capable of making his heart melt all the way again if that had not already happened. Loki sipped the tea and remembered what he truly wanted to talk with his lover before Jarvis' comment, enjoying the taste of the drink. "But I wanted to talk to you something else before all this discover."

"Just let me get a cup of coffee..." The blond replied getting up and returning quickly with his sacred drink; without knowing the matter he was expecting a dark conversation. Loki wanted to show interest in Steve's life without looking intrusive, to show he cared without looking as if he was mocking him. It felt hard to know the right thing to do and he could only hope he was going on the right path when he spoke again.

"I wanted to talk about you. To know you. You know much about me and my life and I wish to do the same." He observed Steve's eyebrows go high in his forehead as he considered the proposal.

"I don't know that much about you, but... Ok." He licked his lips and settled more comfortably in the couch, sighing in relief. "I think it can be good, in fact. Where do you want me to start from?" The ex-god moved and relaxed in his seat too.

"From the start, I believe. Your childhood or youth. If you want, that is." Their eyes met again and Steve saw the tip of insecurity in Loki's question. They would have a lot to talk.

"Well... I was a weak little thing." He said laughing a little without joy, blowing his coffee. "They told me my father fled before I was born and my mother died when I was seven but I barely remember her. I grew up in a orphanage... Smaller and slender than many girls but with a tongue always ready to put me into trouble. I got beaten in every alley in Brooklyn, trying to use trashcans to defend myself and usually being shoved into them." He truly laughed this time and Loki smiled only because of this, for he didn't find the story amusing at all.

"I am sorry." He replied honestly after some minutes in silence and a pair of clear blue eyes stared him with kindness.

"I could have got worse. I was nearly raped a couple of times too and it got me wonder how hard it must be being a woman... Even with all of that I still wanted to help people, to serve my country, to fight for justice because sometimes some people would help me too. I had a really good friend too... It's a circle of goodness, you know. I soon understood how easily you can choose the circle you want to be and I soon made my choice."

Steve's voice was calm and soft but Loki could hear the heavy feelings behind his words – and relate to most of them. Loki was smiling at him unconsciously and the soldier blushed slightly, shaking his head.

"Your turn." Steve shifted in the leather couch and rested his arm in the backrest, almost around Loki, and turned to look at him better, who nodded and gulped; it was always hard to talk about his past but he knew he owned Steve some details.

"Where should I start?... I was a weak little thing." He chuckled. "I may be as tall as you but I am still thinner, and next to other Asgardians I was a frail and pale creature. The other children summoned me for fighting and hunting games only for the pleasure to watch me fail and beat me after it was over. I took no longer to learn I could never win by brute force and I started using tricks and malice to tower upon those lackwits."

"I see." Steve nodded listening with attention. "You used your own weapons." Loki drank most of his tea, it left a pleasant trail of mint down his throat, and putted the cup over the table at the side of the couch.

"Yes. I enjoyed being mean and causing quarrels between them, although I had never truly harmed no one. In my youth my magic began to manifest itself and I quickly learned how to control it, one more motive to be hated. Asgard sees magic as unreliable and unworthy and it..." His eyes turned to the ground and he brushed his hands over his knees, stopping for a moment. Steve could feel the bad feelings vibrating from him. "It only pushed me farther from who I believed to be my mother and father. I could not be a great warrior like Thor and I could not win by my own abilities. I was never good enough, anyhow."

Steve left his hand caress Loki's shoulder lightly.  _Perhaps being an orphan was better than being belittled by your own family your whole life_ , he thought some seconds after. He knew how it felt to be scorned from strangers, not from the people supposed to love and support him. His hand squeezed Loki's shoulder in sympathy and he wished he could do more than that.

"I'm sorry." The blond said feeling useless but the feeling vanished when Loki glanced him again and smiled wide.

"It's fine. Your turn." Steve removed his arm to prevent himself from holding the trickster against his body and burying his face in his hair. He shifted again, bothered by his own wish and without knowing if he should obey to it or keep the distance.

"Well, then I enlisted myself and I went through the process of the serum and... Suddenly everyone respected me and every girl smiled and waved at me. It made me feel worse at the beginning, to be honest... How people consider you for how you look like, not for who you really are." Loki smiled naughtily.

"Oh, but I doubt you have not enjoyed in anyway your new appeal." Steve couldn't help but laugh shaking his head.

"No, no, in fact I was too shy and clumsy to do it. There was a woman..." A smile spread itself on his face as he looked to the ground. "She liked me before the Rebirth, you know. She wasn't shallow like some of the girls back then. But she..." The smile disappeared the same way it appeared, leaving only a shadow in the blond's face. "Well, I turned into a popsicle, as Tony would say, before we could go out." Loki chuckled but held Steve's hand in the middle of his own hands and stared him tenderly.

"What a shame." Closing his eyes because of the touch for some moments, Steve agreed.

"Yes. She never got married, I heard, and she passed away two months before I woke up." Loki wanted to kiss him so much it ached, but not out of lust, for his own surprise. He wanted to kiss Steve and lie down with him, to caress his back and talk about how everything would end up happily for them... He found himself hoping they would truly succeed one day.

As Steve silenced and squeezed his hand, Loki couldn't help but wonder if his hope was going to prove itself a pleasant surprise or one more of his many disappointments with life.


	8. A Single Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh guys, I'm sorry I took so long. Honestly I don't know where I'm going with this work anymore... I'm open to suggestions, btw. Hope you like this chapter and leave feedback if you want to. <3

"Do you remember?" He heard the voice but in the blinding dark, Steve couldn't see a single thing. In fact he was terrified, but he knew he was supposed to be the strong one of the group, whatever group he was into now.

Apparently he was a group of a man alone in that dark chamber. He could hear the emptiness reflecting itself on the distant walls and that sound was all his ears could perceive until the voice came in.

"Do you remember me?" Steve knew that voice although he couldn't give it a name. He spun around himself, upset with his own eyes, heart stumbling in his chest and stretched his hands in the air falling into despair, needing awfully to touch something, to see something, to reach the owner of the voice.

"Yes!" The answer came feeble and he took a deep breath. "Yes! I remember you!" With little surprise the blond man felt his body starting to shake. He never liked that solitude, that darkness, that feeling of impotence. He never wanted to be there and now someone was with him, but he couldn't see nor reach the person.

"I don't think so." His trembling legs started to walk, a horrible task to do while he was blinded by the dark. Yet he forced himself in the direction he supposed the voice were in the hope of finding someone somehow.

"I swear…" Only when Steve wet his lips he noticed the salt of the sparse tears running from his eyes. "I swear I remember you. But…"

"Are you sure?" Suddenly a dim light appeared and the soldier jumped towards its direction. The light came from a small candle and Steve's brain couldn't quite cope with what his eyes were watching with difficulty. "Because I never forgot you."

A nice suit, unbuttoned, reflected the flame and showed clearly the blood wetting and corrupting a spot on the white shirt; the spot where he was stabbed. Coulson's hand didn't seem to feel the wax dripping from the candle top and he looked one hundred percent alive watching Steve sadly.

"I remember you." It was useless to try to sound clear and secure now. Steve knew he was breaking each step he took in Phil's direction and now his face shone in the light too, bathed in tears.

"Why are you doing nothing to avenge what he did to me?" Phil's voice was a mix of hurt and cruelty. "Instead, you are falling for him... You already fell."

The words hit the soldier like a punch in the stomach and he froze in the spot feeling his face burn. Phil shook his head in disappointment and exposed the stained shirt a little more, looking at himself for a quick moment.

"It-it-it wasn't him. Not totally. He wouldn't…" The blond blinked trying to put his mind in order while he rubbed his shaking hands. "He wouldn't do that now. He was hurt… And influenced…"

"I know. We all know it now, Captain, but somehow I knew it back then." Coulson's voice was now calm and balanced as it usually sounded when he was between them. "But a question remains to all of us – how much of him actually enjoyed that?"

Steve for the first time felt his eyes burning. It wasn't a rhetorical question; Phil was actually waiting for an answer, smiling slightly as the candle consumed itself in his hands. When he tried to reply, his voice died and he choked in his own saliva.

"Phil…" The name was nothing more than a raspy whisper and the soldier allowed himself to fall in his knees before the dead-alive man. "I… I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. I couldn't avoid your death, again, I mean... I'm useless." He was openly crying now and rubbing his eyes. What good for was a soldier without the ability of protecting the ones he cared about? What good for was his fucking Rebirth if he kept failing when he should succeed?

"Don't talk like that, Captain. You are extremely important for a lot of people and for our country. I didn't want to make you put yourself in doubt." Phil squatted next to him and touched his face with one hand while the other held the little left to burn the candle became. His face was so calm now that it relieved Steve's breath. "I looked after you all my life and I worry about you. But... Remember my question."

The jump he took forward to hug Phil took both out of their balance and as they fell into the floor, the light was gone. Only then the blond woke up from his dream, sweating and crying and feeling like throwing up at any minute.

Steve sat on the edge of the bed nearly praying to not vomit. Even with all his determination he couldn't stop the weeping from taking over his body and he allowed himself to cry, covering his face with the pillow. He felt sick and sad and awful and terribly, terribly useless.

He didn't know the reason but his mind was refusing to form coherent thoughts, it swirled in a hurricane of sorrow and headache, pain and loneliness. So he waited until he could at least breathe and pushed himself onto the bathroom to take a shower and hopefully wash himself from that disturbing dream.

Not even the long shower could make him better.  _Remember,_  it echoed on his head,  _remember my question_. Coulson was dead and he was in love with his murderer. Reality never felt as hard as that since he lost Bucky and then Peggy.

Why, even knowing it was actually wrong, loving Loki felt so right? Were his instincts completely twisted to that point? Was he being controlled by some kind of force? Was he… Blinded? The more he tried to think, the less he could understand. He knew deep down Loki was not a devilish person, he was not inherently bad. But the bad acts, the blood trailing his road could never be erased.

Only after dressing himself and spending some time alone did Steve feel sane enough to leave his room and walk into the kitchen. His stomach was complaining from the lack of food; the soldier obliged himself to make coffee and stared the pile of cold pancakes Loki had fried for him. Turning, he saw last Loki himself sat at the small table, ever so silent.

"Morning." Loki said lowly, sensing something was amiss with his mate. Steve usually woke up before him, made his coffee and waited for him and Bruce to make eggs and pancakes but this morning Bruce came, Bruce was gone, the food got cold and Steve was missing.

The trickster refrained from knocking in Steve's door and satisfied himself with asking Jarvis if the blond man was there and if he was safe. Yet, Loki couldn't get up and leave the table before watching his friend arrive and, for more a part of him was dying to embrace the stronger man and ask him if he was fine, he was somehow afraid of pushing too hard.

They were having interesting and curious conversations about their pasts in the last days, always avoiding certain subjects, and the dark-haired man felt so strangely happy and comfortable knowing more about the truth behind that comical star-spangled outfit that part of him was just waiting for the storm. He was honestly afraid the storm day was there.

"Morning." Steve answered to the coffee maker. Loki pressed his lips together.

"Are you well?"

"Yup." The answer was the smallest truth possible. Steve didn't felt anger or hurt in a direct and clear form but somehow he couldn't bring himself to stare Loki in his eyes and smile as usual. That fact made the trickster sigh to himself.

"Good." Despite the mixed feelings inside of him, Steve brought his coffee to the table and sat in front of his mate. He didn't wanted to be rude nor to make Loki feel despised and just to complete the mess his mind was, he really wanted to hug Loki tight and smell the nice scent of his raven hair for some inexplicable reason.

The confusion and angst were written all over the soldier's face while he ate avoiding the other man's eyes. For several minutes they stood in silence looking at random things and trying to pretend everything was fine until Loki's voice sounded.

"Tell me, what is the matter?" Steve sighed this time, upset for being so easy to read. So willing to let Loki read him anytime. Still, he squeezed the hand the other man offered sweetly.

"I had a disturbing dream. I guess it will take a while till I can brush it off my mind, that's all." Loki nodded trying to imagine what an awful dream that was, to make the blond man behave so strangely. But Steve had so many bad things, so many graves to look upon it was hard to guess about which one he was mourning.

Someone entered the kitchen and they were both surprised to see it was Pepper. Normally they would receive Bruce or less often Tony but she was always suspicious and resentful of Loki and never appeared to stay with them unless there was a good reason to do it. That seemed to be the case now, as she walked to the balcony with two laptops under her arms.

"Good morning for you two." Her ginger hair added a touch of color to the whitewashed kitchen and as she placed both laptops into the balcony, she tried her best to smile to both of them, not only her friend. The effort alone surprised Loki, who was always expecting to be scolded by her. "So, Bruce asked me to take these and teach you the basics of computers and internet."

Steve scratched his head, feeling tired and sick already from a subject that barely begun, but Loki agreed and stood up to sit at one of the chairs along the balcony. Pepper called Steve until the blond man accepted, finished the few he managed to eat and sat beside Loki.

The woman opened both laptops and turned them on. "You see, this is a computer, which is basically composed of two items: hardware and software. Hardware is the physical part of the machine, the one you can touch. Software is the programming, the 'soul' of the machine, that makes all the parts work together and make their job."

"Oh, I see." Loki spoke when she stopped and she stared him trying to look calm. "Hardware is what we often see Stark breaking. Software is…"

"Me, if I may interrupt." Jarvis voice sounded and they couldn't help but giggle. "As I frequently hear, hardware is the part you kick and software is the part you swear upon, sir."

"That sounds pretty easy." Steve said honestly and Pepper gave him a sincere smile.

"Isn't it?" She touched a small square in the laptop and the pointer in the screen started to move. "There are programs to process text, where you can type – sort of like a typing machine, you know? But it never runs out of paper and you can easily erase what you typed." She clicked an icon and it opened a white blank square. "This, that I just opened, is a text file. It's still empty but you will fill it."

She made the same in the other laptop and gave each one to one man.

"Hm, does this have a name? This square of the file?" The blond man asked and Loki was holding back a smile, glad to see Steve was getting interested.

"Oh yes, that's called a window. That's the window of you text file. Now type something using the keyboard." Loki typed first, his own name, 'Loki Laufeyson' and Steve mimicked him, but he typed 'Pepper and Tony sitting under a tree'. She laughed watching the letters appear on the screen. "Great. Now delete it."

Steve spent some time staring the keyboard trying to figure it out alone and Loki was soon pressing a key named Del, but nothing was happening. Pepper then showed them all the keys, their functions, how to save the file and how to open it later.

"I admit I thought this was worse. But so far, so good." The soldier said, typing childish songs under Pepper's eyes. He was feeling a little more cheerful seeing that thing wasn't such a challenge. Maybe, he considered, he was being more lazy and stubborn than truly afraid of being too stupid.

After a while Pepper left them, leaving the advice of not scrambling too much in the laptops until Bruce could arrive and teach them further, and the weird atmosphere were right back to its spot few minutes after she was gone.

"Steve…" Loki wet his lips before speaking. "Would you like to share this dream of yours? Asgardians believe telling a bad dream pushes it away from reality." Steve looked at him and even thought he tried to fight it, a wave of anger and sadness took him. How could Loki look like two completely different people? How was he capable of stabbing a man's heart and soften another?

"That's too late for that." The soldier sighed decided to end the subject but the words went out of his mouth before he could even think of them. "It was Coulson, the dead Coulson, but really alive. Asking me if I…" He snapped his mouth shut, regretting opening it, his face turning hard. Loki straightened himself in the chair and ran a hand through his hair in a feeble attempting of pretending he didn't cared.

"Asking you what?" Steve watched Loki's throat gulp, the only thing moving in his impossibly still body. The lack of a reaction, any kind of, bothered him deeply.

"Asking me to not forget him. Asking me to not forget what you did." Loki kept his eyes fixed on the blue ones, unmoving, untouched. Something growled on his chest aching and screaming and he felt betrayed again despite knowing it was foolish. The silence lingered a long time while Steve stood up and when to wash the things he used, feeling the green eyes fixed upon his back.

"Even dead he remains a smart man, I suppose." Loki finally said with the hint of a smirk in his lips, making the other turn to face him, his face red.

"Do you think this is funny, Loki?" Now it was Loki's time to regret opening his mouth. But the anger and the hurt and all the memories spun in his head and he wasn't able to just sit quiet and watch Steve judge him because of a bloody dream.

"No, I find this ironic, all of this. Foremost, this dream: so soon after we discover the truth about the scepter and we started knowing the roots of each other's lives. Then a dead man returns from his tomb and makes you put yourself and me in doubt. But over all of it, Steve, I am admired that you haven't made up your mind yet." Loki spilled, conscientious that every word he said collided with his own line of thought and himself didn't had the time to reach a decision about his own self or if that decision was really vital to his life at that point.

"Made up my mind about you?" The blond man replied making effort to breathe calmly and stay cool. "Of whether you are a soulless murderer or a just broken man?"

"I think you would rather the second one, for the idea of fixing me, don't you?" The trickster felt his face starting to burn, flush rising from his neck. "You seem fond of the idea of fixing broken things. But had you ever realized that perhaps I am both cruel and broken? Perhaps I do not  _need_  to be fixed."

Steve caught himself holding his cup with a little too much strength, enough to break it at any moment, and turned his back to his friend again to finish his task quietly. Hundreds of answers roamed in his mind like crows over dead flesh but for God's sake, fighting Loki was the last thing he wanted, the last thing he needed.

"Do you know the tale of Ragnarok, my love?" The irony shooting out of Loki's voice unnerved Steve even more and he turned in his feet again to stare him, managing to keep his lips sealed before shouting something back. Apparently the lack of answer made no difference to the other man, who continued. "Ragnarok: Asgard's ultimate end. The prophecy says I'll be one of those who will bring it over my brother's realm." Loki seemed dead serious and Steve just shook his shoulders.

"But you don't have to." He disliked the look in Loki's eyes when the reply came.

"How naïve of you... Perhaps I want to." It was enough; his day didn't have to get this shittier. Steve dried his hands and walked away, disturbed, leaving an uneasy man behind. "Perhaps it is my nature!" Loki shouted before the blond could get out of his reach, causing him to turn in his direction, shaking.

"It's vengeance! It's hatred! And it's your choice, your choice to keep going with this or not!"

"It is my life! My story, my sentiments! My enemies feast and drink in that realm as I rotten in a human body here! Does that sound like justice for you?" He was yelling at the top of his lungs trying desperately to prove something not even he knew and yet his voice sounded dull to the soldier's ears. Steve was having a hard time believing in what he was hearing and his hands closed in fists automatically.

"Then go back! Ask Thor to give you back your powers, you know he would! Ask him, get away from this life you hate, this place you hate, go back to Asgard and destroy them! Celebrate your victory forgetting this ever existed!"

"I cannot!" Loki jumped out of his chair and advanced in Steve's direction. How could that man be such a fool, such an unbearable oaf? How could he be so blind? How could he smash what they were building because of a fucking dream? The soldier expected a blow and put himself in a defense position, not giving up the argument.

"Why?"

"Because of you!" The ex god stopped in the middle of the way, his whole body shaking, and Steve's jaw dropped.

"Oh, now it is my fault? Can't you live without someone to blame? Can't you take the charge for your own mistakes?" Loki goggled, knowing that if he could, he might have smashed Steve against a wall.

"Shut your bloody mouth, you oaf! I do not hate this place or this life!" The dark haired man shouted even higher and he was sure soon Tony would show up afraid they would destroy his pretty apartment but he didn't give a shit. "I cannot leave because I would have to leave you! To leave all you did for me, leave you alone again, being alone again! I cannot bear the thought of living my life without you, you dimwit!"

It didn't even take a full minute to Steve's eyes to get blurred from tears. He was panting, angrier than he could ever remember, but a chill ran into his body giving him a terrible feeling. He didn't wanted to live alone neither, he didn't wanted Loki to leave him. He…

"You're an idiot." He murmured going for Loki. The smaller man gulped, fear flashing for barely a second in his face before he hid it, ready to hit the soldier even knowing his strength wasn't even ridiculously close to his. But Steve only seized his arm and dragged him across the room, going for the corridor.

"Unhand me! I am not a doll!" The more Loki struggled, the more effort Steve did to hold him without truly hurting him; he ended up embracing the other man and taking him to his room while he kicked in the air, screaming at him. "You will regret this! Is this how you treat me? Is this how you treat all the vicious murderers you know?"

"Stop being so childish!" Steve left Loki onto the floor again then slammed the door, locking them both inside of the huge room. "Jarvis, would you be kind enough to stop the recording of my room now on?"

"Yes, sir, as you wish." Jarvis said politely and then, only then the soldier turned to face Loki. He was a rare shade of red, disheveled and breathless and if looks could kill, Steve would be sure dead in the floor by now.

"Why do you have to act like this?" He asked full of angst, hands in the air. Loki's reply was low and almost sinister.

"Apparently this is who I am. Face me, face the fact I am drowned in the dark and for more you try, you can never take me out of it. You don't truly believe you can. Even those dead know it."

"This is bullshit!" Steve shouted gripping his own hair. "All of this was because of my dream? Because of a single doubt?"

"You are the only one, the only one I believed to trust me." Loki's voice came wavering and he shoved his hands in his pockets to hide how much they trembled. He was painfully hurt and he hated himself for giving in such a pathetic feeling again. Steve rubbed his face, deep in the mix of all anger and worry and care he felt.

"I trust you. How can you doubt this? At this point we are, Loki, I always stood by your side and I always saw you as someone with flaws and virtues. I trust you, but that doesn't mean I have to do it blindly. Having faith on you does not kill all my questions." When he raised his eyes to observe the other man he didn't cared Loki to see the tears in them. "Nothing when done blindly is done right. You above all should know it, Loki. If I was blind, I wouldn't be able to see you, to know you. I wouldn't be able to fall in love with you."

Loki came undone piece by piece in front of the sky blue eyes of the soldier; first his mouth turned into a thin line, lips pressed firmly. His eyes got almost shut as his brows knit together in an expression that could pass as pain and after a few moments he let a long sigh slip from his lips as his eyes got watered against his will.

It was always against his will, Steve knew too well. Loki gave him his back to try to stop what he thought to be another humiliation he was inflicting upon himself. To let himself being hurt, to let himself being loved, to allow his heart to care so deeply for the other man was humiliating and extraordinary. He felt Steve coming closer and he tried to walk away, but ended getting trapped between a wall and the tender arms of the soldier wrapped around him.

"I'm sorry for hurting you." Steve whispered supporting his face in Loki's shoulder and feeling him relax into his arms slowly, the muscles of his back unclenching.

"You can only hurt me because I allowed to." His voice was soft and honest. The soldier was starting to protest but the slimmer man interrupted him. "I allowed myself to drown on you. Oddly, I cannot regret it."

Loki spun around himself never leaving Steve's arms and the look in his eyes was more than the soldier could have expected. He was never going to be able to understand how the trickster could bear so many different faces, so many different feelings stamped on those same green eyes, but maybe it was not meant to be understood.  _Yes, Coulson,_  he thought idly as Loki's hands touched his face,  _I remember you and your question. And yes, I fell for him._


	9. No Turning Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys... I sadly inform this is the last chapter (btw this is just smut). I lost the time and the inspiration I had to keep writing this fic, although I don't discard the idea of a sequel. I love it very much and I loved all kudos and every comment, ever <3 you guys are great. Hope you like this one and thank you for reading. <3

"God, I've missed this." Steve said melting under Loki's lips. "I've missed you, all of you." The trickster bit, licked and kissed every possible space on the other man's neck feeling him move restlessly and grind his erection against Loki's hips.

"I've missed this too, terribly." His pale hands crept inside the shirt Steve wore and Loki stared his eyes. "But I found joy in talking to you, knowing you, without distractions." Steve blinked surprised, smiling like a fool, before agreeing.

"I did too, a lot." His hand caressed Loki's face tenderly for a few moments and he knew he was actually seeing Loki through his green and shiny orbs, every bit of him. The moment only ended when the blond crushed his lips onto his lover's in a kiss full of need and hunger.

He tried to unbutton the other man's shirt but it proved an impossible task when Loki's hand slipped across his abs and caressed his cock over the denim. The only thing Steve's hands managed to do was clutch, one in his lover's shirt, the other into his black hair.

It didn't took long to the ex god break the kiss and return to ravish Steve's neck and earlobe. He wanted everything he could get and this time, he wasn't willing to let anyone interrupt them. Palming his stiff cock and scratching Steve's shoulder, Loki was delighted with the small and various sounds he was hearing.

"You moan so deliciously, Steve." His voice sounded low and wicked and that only made the soldier's hips buck. "You really like it, don't you? How many nights did you went to bed thinking of me?" Steve moaned louder this time and Loki's head was aching from the strength his hair was being pulled but he quite liked the feeling. "How many times did you touched yourself pretending it was me? My hands, perhaps my lips…"

"Ah, so many..." He shivered and blushed immediately. Not that he used to admit it not even to himself, and he certainly only did that after asking Jarvis to stop recording his room or in the shower… But it was completely true. And now he was squirming under the touch of the man he craved for. He could feel Loki's erection pressing his thigh and Steve felt stupid for a moment for neglecting his lover's needs. The hand he kept in Loki's shirt made its way down to rub him over the thin pants as well and it ripped a moan from the man.

"I wished to go slowly with you… To show you the countless ways to please and be pleased with no hurry. But you – hm – you are a hungry man." Loki chuckled abusing now the other side of Steve's neck, tracing patterns with his tongue and sucking the spots until he was completely sure a bruise was going to remain in the next morning.

"I need you." The soldier's voice barely came out; he was panting, squirming, burning. "I want you and I need you, Loki." Loki smiled at his name and how it sounded wonderful coming out from that pretty hero lips.

"How do you want me, Steve?" He whispered, biting an ear and feeling now two hands scrambling and trying to open his pants without success. Loki mimicked the movement and opened Steve's denim first, pushing his underwear down with the pants and quickly returning to his place - his righteous place.

The words that were coming out turned into sighs and moans as he wrapped his hand over Steve's exposed cock. It took the blond some good moments to regain the power to think (or something almost there) and gave up opening that goddammit pants, stroking Loki from over them while the man repeated the question. "How do you want me?"

"I don't know, anyhow, anyway you want…" The stronger man panted, feeling deeply grateful for the wall behind his back, because his legs were far gone the ability of holding him up. Only the wall and the weight of Loki pressing him were keeping him standing. The trickster laughed a malicious laugh and carved his short nails in the exposed hip in front of him.

"That is quite a dangerous answer, my dear." Steve smiled again quickly before complaining from a too-hard bite in his neck. Loki kissed tenderly the place and caressed it slightly with the tip of his tongue, one hand never leaving the hard cock. "Pardon me. I am only testing how far can I go, how much do you enjoy it."

"It's okay, it's fine, oh…" Oh, he was burning inside out and the cool hands of the trickster were somehow only making him feel hotter. Instead of relieving his desire, all of that was making him want more, crave for more skin, more contact, for the final accomplishment of a wish that consumed them for so long.

"Anyhow, anyway I want you?" Loki asked and the tone of his voice made part of the soldier fear as other part screamed _yes_ in the back of his mind. He nodded, out of breath. "What if I wanted to take you and make you mine?" The simple thought of having the dark haired man on top of him, taking him, fucking him, made Steve struggle for air and squeeze the cock in his hand with an unexpected force.

"Oh, I…" Loki held a grin, face-buried in the soldier's neck, waiting for the answer even though he already knew it. "I think I…" Steve gulped feeling his face burn terribly, unable to make himself say the words. He knew, in the tiny part of his mind that was still shy and old-fashioned, he shouldn't want that. But… "I would love that."

Loki took his lips in a kiss that was surprisingly kind, letting his hands now travel idly in the blond hair and soft skin. He could see the physical desire, he knew Steve wanted it, but he also knew there was much more beyond the anxious touches and the lustful kisses. He understood now the difference between love and lust and he could never explain how much he was glad to be able to see it.

When the kiss ended Steve took a long time to open his eyes, feeling light-headed and silly. But when he finally stared Loki and his calm smile, felt their bodies pressing together and absorbed the rush of things showing through the trickster's face, he knew it. Even if they stopped what they were doing, it was way too late to go back in what they were feeling.

They walked clumsily together never disconnecting eyes until they found the huge bed in the back of the room and fell into the soft mattress with a thump. It was a funny moment when Steve remembered to take off his sneakers before climbing up and Loki watched him kicking the shoes away with impatience. He laughed at the rush of the soldier's acts while he stood up again to undress himself.

Steve, spread in the bed and awfully anxious, took some moments to realize Loki was putting up a show for him. He gulped as pale hands unbuttoned the grey shirt, licked his lips as the clothing slipped from shoulder to floor, resisted the urge to touch his own cock when Loki unfastened his belt slowly and took off his own shoes, deciding to leave the pants on, where his erection showed obscenely.

Loki climbed onto the bed and dragged himself slowly towards the soldier, staring him without blinking. Like a lynx, all subtle and yet so dangerous, he wanted to ravish his prey taking all the time he could. Steve felt a shiver run through his spine under the burning look in Loki's eyes.

When he finally laid over the soldier, his lithe but strong frame weighting barely nothing over Steve, the warmness made them both moan. Steve pushed him away to his surprise but only to take off his own t-shirt and toss it aside, embracing Loki with his arms and pulling him close again.

"Loki…" The blond man moaned, red as a beet, making the ex god smile. Their skins felt like fire and silk and they sunk in another kiss, that started gently and soon escalated to a battle of tongues, lips and bites fueled by their desire.

Loki was grinding his hips again, feeling the unusual arousal that his human body was under. It was so very different than anything he felt before; warmer and better and he felt all his rationality slip away as Steve found a way to take off the pants and boxers that trapped his ankles and closed his strong legs around his lover.

Something was said in the middle of the kiss and Loki didn't knew anymore who said that or what it meant. Steve managed to turn his face and spoke clearly. "Take it off. Your pants, take it off, please, let me feel you." Loki obeyed faster than he could believe and sunk again over the blond, moaning from the contact of the completely exposed skins.

He couldn't stand that anymore, any longer, not with Steve all hard and willing moving under him, not knowing it all mattered so much for both of them. Loki traced a road with his lips from Steve's mouth to his navel, his nails leaving red tracks over that sculpted chest, and he didn't made any ceremony to wrap his own mouth around the big head of Steve's cock.

The man suppressed a yell, half from surprise, half from thrill, but bucked his hips up in an uncontrollable motion. Steve's eyes were rolling and he was sure he had never felt anything that good in his life. Loki's head went up and down some inches and he fisted the sheets praying to not to finish, not to lose his mind, while he murmured absently the name of the man that drove him crazy.

But the man had other plans. His lips left their task and went to the blond's balls, licking and sucking and he was loving every little noise and movement he was provoking. Loki wanted Steve so hard it ached and nothing could ever stop him, except the soldier himself. Stark and his troop could storm into the room that very moment and Loki would not stop his task, the thought of that making him smirk.

He pulled one of Steve's leg gently up, pushing it to the side to expose him a little more and give him a sight of his aim. Loki looked up and found the other man panting hard, eyes shut and hands twisting the sheets nervously. Perhaps it was too soon, he wondered, and licked softly right next Steve's hole to test his reaction.

Steve trembled and moaned, spreading his own legs a little more, and the ex god suppressed a laugh. What a delicious surprise the man was showing to be. More secure, he inclined his head to a better angle and tasted the small hole. All of Steve's skin smelled like soap and sex and Loki couldn't help but hold the other man's hips and play with his tongue in the entrance hungrily.

"Oh fuck!" Steve blurted, arching his back. "Fuck, fuck, Loki, oh…" It was an electrifying sensation and the soldier felt embarrassed and excited and his brain was trying to cope with the fact Loki was licking him there. He caught himself holding Loki's hair again, moving his hips as if trying to make him go deeper.

Loki stopped, his own cock aching, when he realized he didn't had magic to slick himself as he used to do and saliva wouldn't be enough to allow him to enter Steve for the first time – not without hurting him. "Steve." He called, breathless, and the blond opened his eyes, fighting the wish to bury his face in the pillow. "We cannot do this without preparation."

"What do you mean?" Positively the soldier's brain has turned into jelly. Loki kissed him lightly, settling between his legs again.

"When I had magic, I used it to slick myself to… Ease the act. But I cannot do this now and I have no wish to hurt you." Steve's mouth opened in a pretty oh as he realized the issue; faster than he could think, he contorted himself to reach and open a drawer in the nightstand and took from it a plastic bag full of little bottles. Loki sat to give him space and watched as he opened the bag desperately and spread the contents on the bed.

"There must be something here we can use. Tony told me, he put one of those in every room so his guests won't lack anything." His hands got bottles and threw them away as he read the labels. Shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, moisturize for face, for body, for feet, cream for sunburns… His face lightened when he found one labeled as water lubricant. Loki took the bottle and smirked.

"One thing I must admit, Stark is indeed a brilliant man." He attacked Steve suddenly, pushing the man onto his back again, kissing him desperately. If before he wanted, now he needed. The soldier was soon squirming and grinding their cocks together again so Loki opened the bottle and let the clear liquid wet his fingers.

Never breaking the kiss, he slipped his hand down pushing Steve's leg up again and played with his hole massaging it, disliking the idea of causing him discomfort. Steve was out of breath again, gripping Loki's shoulders and moving his hips; the wet fingertips resembled the feeling Loki's tongue provoked on him. It was like torture, but in a wonderful filthy way.

Loki ever so carefully slipped a finger inside the other man and made him moan making circle motions slowly. He hoped in the back of his mind Steve could take him and enjoy it because he needed to be inside him like he needed air – maybe more. He wanted to please him and make him scream and the desire was driving him insane.

Another finger went in and Steve started relaxing and let himself go as he exposed his neck pleading to Loki mark him again. He wanted to be taken, loved, fucked, he wanted it so badly he couldn't put two words together and ask. The fingers inside him were working in circles, massaging him, trying to get him open, until they found something inside of him that shoot waves of pleasure and agony from his head to his toes.

"Fuck!" Steve goggled a single second before closing his eyes again. Before he could notice he was trying to fuck himself in Loki's fingers, moving restlessly, trying to find some relief to the knot in his belly.

Loki removed the fingers as carefully as he had put them and noticed his hands were shaking when he spread lubricant in his hard cock. Steve was looking at him, expecting, hoping everything could go right once in their lives and the look in his face stopped the slimmer man's heart some seconds.

Laying over him and feeling Steve's arms encircle his neck, Loki kissed him lightly, open-eyed, not wanting to lose a single second. He positioned himself in the wet opening and pushed slowly, watching his lover's face, stopping when the tip of his cock passed the ring of muscles. The expression in Steve's face contorted in a pain that quickly went away.

"If it hurts, anytime, tell me. Tell me and I'll stop." Loki whispered against his chin and he nodded. It kind of hurt and yet it was madly good. He couldn't take his blue eyes from the green ones, not even if he wanted, and it was the last thing he wanted in the world. That was Loki, open and honest, full of lust and care in his orbs.

He pushed a little more, always so careful, almost sweetly, and Steve's eyes rolled again as he wrapped his legs around Loki's hips and arched his back to get more contact automatically. The pain, a strange one, was back for a few moments, but he was truly overwhelmed by the pleasure and the heat coming from down. He was burning and this time, the only thing he wanted was to turn into ashes.

Loki pulled away only to invest again with a little more passion, encouraged by the moans he was ripping from the other man. Definitely, that feeling was nothing next to most of his past adventures in bed. He felt wonderfully complete with his lips locked in Steve's throat, his cock inside him, his hair tangled and pulled by the other man. He felt unbelievably loved.

The pace was established with slow and deep thrusts, each one ripping a louder sound from both, and they were soon a mess of hands and teeth and legs in an endless need to go further. Loki soon started talking and after the first word the others came in an unstoppable flow of dirty talking.

"You feel so good, Steve, so good, so fucking hot and tight… I'll make you feel good, make you scream my name and beg for more…" Steve could feel the rush of blood to his face every time he paid attention to what Loki said instead of ignoring it for shyness. But each word made him dig his nails more in the ex god's back, marking him as his. "Tell me, my love, tell me, how do I make you feel?"

"Wonderful." Different words were roaming in the back of the blond's mind but he somehow couldn't say them out loud. "Wanted. Oh…" Talking was hard enough by itself and when Loki shifted his angle and started thrusting as if going up, that little spot was brushed every time he invested and Steve was pushed on the edge of sanity. "Fuck yes, fuck, oh, right there, fuck, Loki…"

"Tell me." Loki voice was low; his eyes darkened watching his lover's face. The pace was more frantic and erratic and both of them were moaning loud enough to be heard in the laboratory, but none cared. "Tell me, do you enjoy being fucked, Steve?"

"Yes!" Steve panted, so close, his cock being stimulated by the friction between their abs but not enough to make him finish. "I love it, you fuck me so good… Loki, I never…" Reading his body Loki started pumping his cock and it didn't match the thrusts, it didn't match anything at all; his teeth were sunk in his neck and it was all more than he could ever imagine and ever stand. "Harder, harder, fuck, please, I need…"

"I want to make you feel filthy." The trickster managed to speak feeling he was close but trying to hold back, as he wanted to make Steve reach the climax before him. "Finish for me, come in my hand, Steve…" Loki was losing it, not only on his body but also in his mind, going into a dangerous road. "I wanted it, I wanted you for so long, now be a good boy and _come for me_." His hips were meeting Steve body violently and he was sure the blond man was going to be sore but he lost control of everything.

"Oh, I, I wanted, I want you, I want you, I want… Loki, I love you." Steve was nearly pulling Loki's hair out and he knew what he said but every single fucking thing felt so right he didn't regretted a second. Loki's hand only moved faster. "I love you, Loki, Loki, fuck, Loki - ah!" Steve finally came, the orgasm washing over him, toes curling and hands closing in fists, his head backward in an inhuman angle.

His hole tightened around Loki's cock and he held Steve's hips with both hands, letting his body fall on the come spread over the chest of the other man. "Steve, I never, ever… I…" He was there, but not there and suddenly Loki was everywhere, inside and out of Steve, laughing, crying and dying. He opened his eyes to see Steve and saw that clear blue eyes, hazed by the orgasm, and gave up thrusting insanely. "I never… This would- oh, I love you, I swear, I swear, Steven!"

His body shuddered as he came inside of his lover, his love. His brain was unable to form a coherent thought as his back arched away from Steve, against his wish to remain next to him. When the wave was over the dizziness stayed and Loki allowed himself to fall again into Steve's arms being welcomed, his cock softening slowly.

The first thing that occurred to the soldier when he started thinking rationally amongst the haze was that they were both nasty. Covered in sweat and come, drying and getting sticky; he smelled the scent of Loki's hair while the man tried to breath normally and it smelled like shampoo and sweat. Steve smiled lazily, closing his eyes again.

None of them had an idea of how much time they stayed that way. Eventually Loki pulled out, making Steve hiss in pain and slipped to the side, taking his mate's hands on his own and kissing one after another. Steve just smiled again feeling like he was truly melting, body and soul, but Loki was staring him seriously.

"I suppose you will feel sore, perhaps some pain today and tomorrow. I am afraid I was… Too rough with you for a first time." Worry was stamped in his face and Steve knew that lips pressed together in apprehension. This time he kissed one of Loki's hands.

"Today? Maybe. Tomorrow? No, Loki. I'm a little more than a common man, you know." Loki finally smiled feeling an idiot for forgetting the soldier healed faster and better than a normal person. He closed his eyes in relief and embarrassment for some seconds. "Loki…" The ex god felt his stomach flinch but tried to look calm. He knew what that tone meant but he was terrified of where the talk was going to end. Steve touched his face kindly. "I meant that. Really."

Loki gulped, surprised. That wasn't what he expected to hear and the confirmation hit him like a punch. He wrapped his arms around the soldier's waist and hid his face under Steve's chin more to hide the tears in his eyes than for sweetness, but it didn't made any difference. Steve knew, he always knew when something troubled Loki and that thought only troubled him more.

He was feeling exposed and weak, awfully happy and scared. It scared him, to love someone so intensely but what terrified him was the fact there was no turning back.

"I did too." He murmured, closing his eyes to the caress in his back. As an unpleasant thought crossed his mind, he pulled apart only to look into Steve's eyes. "I cherish you from the deepest corners of my heart."

The expression on Loki's face, Steve considered, could never be the one of a liar. The fear and the love in his eyes could not be faked. _It must be a tough moment,_ he thought, _when the God of Lies have to face a big truth._ Giving his lips a chaste kiss, Steve rested his head in the pillow connecting their foreheads.

"I know, I believe you. And it's mutual, Loki. I don't think there's much left for us to do now but remain together." He chuckled as he watched the tense expression in Loki's face relax and disappear.

"What would you have us to do? Play hide and seek with Jarvis until someone knock in your door at an inappropriate moment? Then shove me under your bed and pretend you were exercising nude?" Steve laughed at the image pictured in his mind but the ex god, although smiling, was serious.

"No, of course not. I mean if we are going to do this and stay together, we are going to do it right. Tell them, you know." Licking his lips, Loki considered the idea. They would all undoubtedly believe he put the mighty Captain America in some kind of spell or control, for that was certainly the only way a perfectly honored man could fall in love with a liar, a trickster and a murderer. _They know nothing about me_ , he thought finding the idea a little amusing, _and even less about him._

"I believe I cannot offer a better idea or solution to this case." He finally spoke, sighing. "And to be quite honest, I do not see the purpose of lying when we can actually being watched now."

Steve looked up as if he never considered the possibility, his eyes trying to look something he didn't found, and shrugged coming back to his original position.

"I don't know. I trust Tony. He told me I could stop the recording by just asking Jarvis." Loki smiled at the innocence of his lover.

"Foremost, I do not trust Stark that much. And in second place… Being watched is different than being recorded. They may be not saving what the cameras capture, but they may be seeing it."

For a single moment Steve froze, his guts in a knot, and he pulled the sheet to cover them both instinctively, head to toe, holding Loki under the fabric. Only then he noticed how that was actually ridiculous and burst out in laughter, being followed by the ex god.

"Too late, my darling…" Loki replied, losing the air, tears in the corner of his eyes. "Definitely too late, if my theory is true."

"Well…" The soldier tried to think in a good and witty answer but he was too drowsy for it and contented himself in kissing his mate once again. "Hell, I don't care. I'm telling them anyway." Loki's eyebrows went up.

"Really? Are you really willing to do that?" Steve stared him confused and the dark hair man only shook his head. "Facing them, fighting them. You know they will say the uttermost awful things about this. Accuse me, perhaps accuse you. Are you willing?" The soldier blinked several times before formulating a reasonable reply.

"Do you realize you are actually asking me if you are worth it?" Loki's face twisted into a blank expression, the one he did when he was completely surprised. Steve's heart actually ached inside his chest and he held Loki's face as if it was their last time, not their first. "You are. What I can't believe is that you still doubt it."

The trickster held him tight again, hiding his face in Steve's neck, but this time he wasn't trying to hide any unwanted tears. He was only sparing himself the shame of being watched with the brightest smile he gave in the last century.


End file.
